i should be working on the assignments from both of the workshops coming up but instead i'm sitting here updating for a total of one or two readers.. three at best.
truth be told, i'm updating for my sake. not for who-so-ever might chance upon this thing when they feel like it. i'm updating because it gives me a chance to lay things out in front of me and try and make sense of things i'm confused over.. it gives me a chance to 'talk it out' to 'use my words'.
the situation at work: i've got to start picking up more hours and stop this chicken-shit nonsense. i've got to wake up much earlier on the already early morning tuesdays n' thursdays so that i can actually catch the bus up to campus so that i won't have to worry about parking my car in the dumb lot and running the risk of getting the dumb ticket(s).. bleh.
the friends situation: i have circles i have not visited. i have ponds i have not dipped into. i have concerns and interests and thoughts on why/how i get the sense that i'm losing an important connection. that i'm missing someone whom i don't really think i know and am sad because i have tried not to get attached because he has to live his life and leave it too. i dread the day he has to go away. his presence is... one of a kind. his embrace like no other. to say the least.
i am worried over other friends. the deeply unwell friends who feel themselves fall further and further away.. for the once-friends and now strangers who are having a time of it too. i can't help but feel pulled.. naturally in many diff'rent directions at once, internally and externally. maybe dom's right, maybe i "know" too many people. but i can't reconcile my life (my people) in the same way that he has done or has had to do. i am a ragged heap of strings, fiberous tatters. stuck in the pinch but longing for..? everything perhaps.. too much.
zing zing zing went my heartstrings: i don't know what to do. i don't know how to be. i don't know myself. i am old and creaky. i don't know how to maintain the calm-normal facade. how to stoicize my manner. i am not brave about the things that matter.. that count in this world. i am awkward. paranoid. neurotic. too quiet. too much inside the lines. [the box is too much with us] embittered but still dreaming, full of hope. full of longing for all the wrong people..
i am.. the untaken move. the gesture imagined. the dance enclosed by a dark so velvet i'm tempted to wrap myself in it for keeps.
2:31 a.m. - 2003-10-12
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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