current white noise: Godzilla vs. Mothra
we were late but we were there. i felt fortunate and also a little off. i don't really know why, maybe i was still breaking in the new shoes, i don't know.
I MUST INTERRUPT!!: the above was a started entry that i didn't finish and thought i could (finish) now.. in the oh-so-stunning light of day. but i find that i cannot do that. that was then and this is now. although everything is pretty much and extension of one or another moment or event anyway... ah, let's not get into that just yet.
i thought i would devote this entry to purpose and passion. purpose and passion? what's that, you say? just more concerns of the ordinary old summer slumping. that's all.
i'm talking, of course, about the frequency of simultaneously loving and hating; of wanting and being repulsed by; of regret and pride; of feeling at once like the victor AND the defeated; of trusting and being suspicious. now, my theory in all this is pretty simple really. [maybe even simple-minded] it is that all of these so-called opposites are both, in fact, tied to each other [you know, aspects of the same face; not so much opposing forces as closely related ones] AND that these "opposing" notions have an over-riding (sp?) and all encompassing sense of purpose. i know i know.. what in the--? well hold on. let me see if i can clarify.. hmmmmmm..
ok. how about this? if one has purpose --or if its even just that one has a SENSE of purpose-- a mission, a role to fulfill, a prime directive to follow and be guided by-- is it not right that these purposeful individuals have no cause at all for real doubt, deep worry? doubt and hesitation, the kind that leads to all the trouble in the first place?! doesn't it follow that if a person has some place to be, a real destination, someone they must reach, feeling that must be conveyed, words that must be uttered.. doesn't it make sense that --given the person in question has a kind of timeless, unwavering, old-world determination-- that this person has only to fight back the occassional hazards and pitfalls of roadside distraction? i mean, if a person is THAT focused and moved by a certain strength of WILL, what then does that person have to feel torn up about? nothing. nothing at all from themselves.. because whatever threat or danger there is comes from without. and if a person isn't split up at the core then that person is, in essence, indestructable! isn't that so?
gah, i must be talking in circles. or anyway it must read that way. i guess i'm just pretty mixed up about things. i mean, when am i not mixed up. i'm referring to the fact that i'm fickle enough as it is when it concerns what person i have a crush on at any given moment.. what's it going to be when i actually have to answer for my actions, my choices, my self? and it may already be too late for me to be asking these types of things anway. so what the hell. you know? you-- huh-- who am i even talking to? nobody. because if i were actually talking to somebody i would be TALKING to them and not tapping away at an indifferent screen and even more obstinate keyboard.
screeeaaammm: this all comes about because of my ever-changing group of friends. because i'd like to be everywhere at once and cannot. because i can't be sure if that feeling came from something in me from another time and i've just learned to ignore it or if this is new to my system and i've simply contracted this thing from someone more experienced in the field of doubt.. and betrayal.
*gasp* that means they've all been wrong about me! that means i've been WRONG all along!!
2:51 p.m. - 2003-08-02
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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