[[note: this first part is in response/reaction to the original title of the entry. it was "i want a goddam change!!!" but i changed it because i ended this thing on a different note than when i started out. that's all.]]
shall i finish the thought that heads this entry? shall i finish it with, "and i will stop at nothing to get there..it..oh you know what i'm talking about" or should i just let you, the reader assume i'm going through another one of my more manic fits?
no. i don't know. what am i talking about now? no. i don't know.
so i had a lovely evening with dominic and the fellas at the house and the new little addition. EVA! she's sweet. i never even used to like animals so much. i never understood. but things seem to be so different now. now.. in my old age. how did that happen? one minute i was afraid and the next minute i'm somethin else.. i'm affectionate and emotional and.. letting my face be licked by the newcomer! goodness sake, i'm something i never thought i would be (in more ways than one). i'm capable of things that i never would have dreamed of before now..
ach! my back aches. it takes my mind away from its course.
earlier this evening i was set to hang out at the house.. to draw, sketch, learn, listen, immerse myself in dear friends and that like. when i arrived at a quarter past eight i was told we had to go out into the world. they broke it to me gently. they, niether of them, wondered why i came by sans sketching acoutrements. see, i didn't think we were really going to get any sketching done. [but perhaps tomorrow. i get another chance!]
what happened? well dom and i ended up leaving the house at a quarter to nine.. i really don't remember why we had to GO in the first place. i don't remember the tiny tiny details of the pre-leaving discussion. OH WAIT! yes. food from el pollo loco was requested and dom and i would go out and retrieve it. and the next thing i knew ((i skipped a lot of dialogue in the car having to do with him saying that he wanted a drink and me suggesting borders. heheh. i didn't want a drink --surprise surprise-- i wanted to buy a worthwhile sketchpad)) anyway, the next thing i knew we were sitting at joe's crab shack and ordering an appetizer and drinks.
...long story short... dom had four pints (pints?) of newcastle to my ONE mai tai shaker. and i got to keep the shaker.. well.. at least i would've gotten to keep the shaker if i hadn't forgotten it. not to worry though.. dom says the next time we go back we'll get the royal treatment.. mainly because he tipped big. he always tips big. oh brother.. of course he's going to regret all that tip money gone out the.. gone through the glass but --well that's that. i'm just bummed that i didn't get to keep the shaker!! it was plastic and colorful and cute with the restaurant's logo.. but that's not why i wanted to keep it. i wanted to keep it because-- well because they said i could!! harumph. maybe i'll just ask about it another time. but we have to go back there again but soon!
what was i saying? ah yes. dom and his newcastles. did i mention the last one was free? or anyway it would've been free if he hadn't tipped her again. silly.. silly silly man. ah well. needless to say i had a great time listening to him rant and rave. even as the alcohol began to take its effects he stayed perfectly coherent. well.. perfectly coherent and perfectly.. what's the word i'm looking for? ah yes, honest. well as honest as a person can get when under the influence of a-- of a what? i can never remember if alcohol is a downer or an upper. not the sharpest tool, eh?
ooh! humphrey bogart on screen!!
sorry. slightly distracted by the flicker. so yes. so honesty. honesty and insight are wonderful things to have at your side. he had and he has those things. he's really an awfully lucky bloke. bloke? what the--? what am i talkin here?
what i'm trying not to say with all this written hedging and babble is that i learned something new about my dear dear of a friend and, more importantly, i learned somethin more about our friendship. i learned how much i would miss it if it were gone. i learned that the insecurities that plague my mind, my soul and body make me act in a way that perpetuates them.. and in perpetuating them i'm sort of dooming and damning myself.. and in doing so there are others, who are so close to me they are like extensions of myself, who feel the sting of harm that comes to me from me. that the things i do or say or don't do and don't say, out of fear, doesn't just affect myself. the energy or vibe that i put out is just like so much netting cast out into a vast sea of other energies, souls. and that i'm pulled as much as i try to do the pulling.
i swear. i only had one drink. this kind of thing is difficult to talk about without sounding too hoaky to the regular folks out there. ah my loyal, half-interested readership. heh heh.
best of all.. tonight i learned that i CAN be on the right track. that i CAN come back from whatever failures come out to haunt me from the past. tonight i learned that i'm really not the awful hideous creature that i usually feel i am. i had the best compliment ..probably ever..! i'd like to share but i find that i can't. i want to keep it for me just now. perhaps i'll share it some other time under some other sky. but for now its just for me. kept in a smallish tinker's box under locks and key.
tonight.. i had advice and a friendly lovely shoulder to cower and cringe under for safety.
the rest of the evening was like all evenings with the fellas should be.. settling and really as though i were coming back to something. at home again.. after the buzzing and the chatter we sat down (well..everyone save the projectionist heheh) to a brief and classic tom n' jerry cartoon followed by Vincent Price in Edgar Allen Poe's MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH [cue creepy echoing laughter... well actually it wasn't really that kind of horror.. as none of Poe's stuff is really horrific as it is touching or moving or tragic or morose or macabre.. yea you get what i'm saying. he's not loud. if Poe were a pattern on the patchwork quilt of horror he would NOT be plaid. he'd be.. something like a swatch of argyle or something..]
in any case, for those who have not had the opportunity to experience said flick i would definitely recommend it. there were as many striking and coreographed sequences and images and expressions as there were things being said about belief and indifference. sic transit gloria mundi, y'all.
after the movie rob and i talked a bit about this moment and that. we chatted in the half-lit kitchen on my way out.. *sigh* all in all it was a grand li'l old evening. better than most nights and brighter than some dreams yet.
but in the meantime..... i've got to catch another matinee at the old eye-lid theater....we hope you have a pleasant stay ~~~
2:37 a.m. - 2003-08-31
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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