i guess i should start out by saying that i really did have fun. even if it didn't look like it a majority of the time, the truth is that i DID.
having said that.. i should also remind my readership (those glorious one or two or three of you) that any kind of a "family" trip/outing is bound to have its pitfalls. there is the possiblity of becoming irritated and irrational about the tiniest most insignificant detail.
ok so here's the deal. B and i, we play rough. well i should say it this way, B likes to ruffle my feathers and thinks he can get away with it [i.e. he can dish it but he can't take it] and likes to get a rise out of me. he thinks i'm easy that way; that i make for great entertainment. whereas, I am overly sensitive about.. well about a lot of things. BUT (and this IS a big but) what he and not a whole lot of other people DON'T know or realize is that i play into that role. because i know its what the show is all about. afterall, punch n' judy wouldn't be who they were if there wasn't that kind of dynamic/balance like that there.
so ok.. before i digress any further let's get back to the over-blown situation at hand.
i'm willing to admit my faults as a human being. i'm willing to sit here and say to you that i'm selfish and emotional and over-sensitive and paranoid and mean-spirited and spiteful and melodramatic and --the worst of all-- boring. right? ok. and i'm willing to take a fair amount of ribbing from close friends because i know that's what is expected of me; that's what friendship is all about. being able to dish it and take what's being dished. fine. swell. grand. ok.
i'm all of those terrible things and then some. ok. and we can kid around about stuff and you can ruffle my feathers and try to rile me and disrupt my whole mental state, fine. i can take it. BUT EVERYBODY HAS GOT A LIMIT.
and as inappropriate as i can be or feel at times if you're playing the guilt game with me you can expect things to turn rotten.
this is the way it happened. b pissed me off because i felt guilty for wanting and needing a little space to be a single rider on one of the kiddie rides at disneyland. yup. that's what it all boils down to. well of course there's prob'ly more to the story.. somewhere in the depths or something but for now that's it. so, my guilt feelings turned to spite which turned to being fed up with the whole scene.
just because someone is cast as the victim doesn't mean that the person who is cast as the agressor (that would be) wants or even likes that role. SCREEEEEEEAAM!
look it was stupid. the whole thing is just stupid to begin with. this whole over-sensitive deal.. my reasons for saying "oh, so we're friends now?" and then storming out of line was my own dumb pride getting in the way. when what i was actually saying was oh so because you're ready for the joke to be over (that wasn't really a joke to begin with) we're ok? see? ego. my ego. my ego getting in the way of working a thing out like a grown and sensible person.
i shouldn't have acted or reacted the way i did. because when things like that happen, other things are blown out of proportion.
the bottom line is that i really DID want a little space. i didn't want to be crowded. sometimes when he plays like that it makes me feel like i can't breath. i'm not out to get anybody's attention when i go off on my own.. i'm out to give myself some distance so i can work things out. i'd rather not explode into a mess, if i can help it, in front of my friends. because that gets tiring. yesterday i was so exhausted by the whole thing and about the only time i started to enjoy things as they were happening was when poor ruel tried to exercise his own form of mediation. and when he reunited me with them.. or when we all were on the same ride again it was just like a giant weight was sitting on my neck.
i'm thankful that jenn n' john were getting on so well. i took comfort in that. when i would see them holding hands ahead of us or when i had some time on my own by the faux pier.
as for b.. well i'm sorry, naturally. i'm sorry that the whole thing just got completely out of hand. i'm sorry that i became irritated and crowded by him and couldn't just keep it from him. if i had kept my frustration to myself things would have been just fine. instead i couldn't even look him in the eyes. and when i did try to speak to him he looked at me as though he never wanted to break a woman's face more.
it all goes back to the same routine: he does/says something to me because he knows i will be predictable and react. i react, and usually quite ridiculously. i lash out because i know i'm being teased or put on the spot or being made to feel a guilt and responsibility that doesn't sit well with me in the first place. i lash out and he really gets offended or i-don't-know-what and puts on the black-hearted pain show. i resent him and feel a sense of guilt. i don't want to feel guilt and watch him writhe in discomfort so i apologize. he does not accept my apology. so.. why are we even friends to begin with, then? why, if this is all that seems to take place? is it just some sort of mutual low-down feeling?
what's going on? because i just want it to stop turning into this. later on its just going to get chalked up to my over-sensitive "melodramatic" nature and b's... i don't know.. his core philosophies in life, or something.
and that's another thing! i'm sick of people saying that i'm either melodramatic or not adventurous. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
i'd really like to wring someone's neck. not anyone i know.. just some random person who doesn't see anything odd about a crazy person trying to wring his/her neck.
meanwhile. the quote on the back of ben's shirt: I HOPE EVERY THING (i think it was thing) YOU EVER LOVE DIES IN YOUR ARMS.
now in my mind this can either be a good thing or a bad thing. a glass that's half full or a glass that's half empty. most people just see the empty part.
but on second thought, maybe they see the truth and i'm just wrong.
1:05 p.m. - 2003-09-07
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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