it never fails.
just when you think you're ok with yourself and what you try to do or who try to be or what goals you tell yourself matter, something goes wrong.
of course i feel silly about it now. i feel downright ashamed of it now but it also has me tense and thinking.
today at work a passenger chewed me out because she was enraged at me for ruining her day/life/month/work or who knows what. everything was really ok to start with. i got up in enough time to ready myself for the day. i knew i would miss the bus and would have to walk onto campus but told myself i'd be ok if i parked close enough to the entrance. so i made it to work with time to spare. things were looking up. it felt good to breath even though it sounded more like huffing and puffing and having a hard time. i genuinely liked it. manual stuff like this is good for the soul, i've always said. its part of the reason i used to go on and on about how i wanted a job that would pay me and not challenge me to the point that i forgot that it was a job and not my life. my life is my life. my job pays for my life. my life are my friends, my emotions, passions, interests, curiosities (sp?).. yea it sounds dumb. it sounds i don't know.. reductive? just to really want to be a cog in the wheel. just like its ridiculous that i enjoyed feeling like a lab rat working through a maze this morning as i weaved in and out of the construciton zone perimeter. its silly, i know, because life is hard enough as it is. but i can't help it. i look for this kind of thing. sure i wouldn't go looking for trouble or danger in big ways but i do what i can to remind myself what and who and where i am and why its important not to get stuck.
i know, it's lame. one might even call it a front for something else but.. i'm not that one.
back to the trenches of the story: i made it into the office trailer and crammed in with everyone else to get my presence noted and get briefed on the day, like everyone else. things were normal and usual and one of the rookies covering a shift asked me what other papers he needed. he asked me! i thought, wow do i even look like i know what i'm doing here? why's he asking me? so i told him what else he needed and then was happy with myself that i remembered to bring my time-piece this time. i was not in a state of panic or nerves, as i usually am.
within minutes i'm heading out to my bus. i get to the lot where its parked, check it as per instructed and noted in the pre-trip form up to a point. i've got to get out there and be on schedule and i know this and i've still got to feul the rig. so fine. i didn't think i was still going to have to feul the buses in the mornings because they moved back the times.. and last week, because of the fires and our non-operational state, when i clocked in thursday morning i did NOT have to feul the bus. that gave me a lot of time to take my time. i was relieved. but naturally that kind of thing never lasts. so i've got even less time to feul and to get out to the Mesa Housing area. bleh.
so ok fine. i pull out having done the more important parts of the pre-trip check and i'm now going to diesel her up. i don't know why i should still refer to any of these kind of giant-sized land or sea-faring things with the feminine pronoun.. pronoun?.. i don't know why i should do this but i do. so there is already someone there, ahead of me and i have to get behind her which requires that i flip a bitch slash three-point turn in the bus. no sweat. i'm all set to go. i go. apparently the bus is in dire need of gas because i fill the tank to forty some odd gallons. now, set to the lowest setting/notch on the gas arm this process takes for-butt-fucking-ever. in the time that this thing is glugging the stuff down i'm doing the rest of the bus check. fine. i'm done, but the bus isn't. so.. more waiting around. a quick time check tells me i've got four minutes to the top of the hour. oh shitting fuck. i'm going to be late. i'm not in a panic or anything because who needs to do anything this morning? i can make it up right quick-like and it'll be fine.
and that, folks, would be my most gravely mistaken thought. thinking that for just one spectacular instant i could afford to let my guard down. thinking that "it will be ok." no. fuck no. wrong wrong wrong wrong.
keep in mind that i have to account for (wait is that what i mean? account for? be responsible for..?) passenger and vehicle safety getting out to where i need to go. i niether want to be hit nor be hitting others out there. i have to obey traffic laws, lights and make various other decisions rather quickly. bleh.
ok ok so i'm late and there's really nothing i can do but hope that no one is up this early that needs to do important things. and we all know how that goes.
6:59 p.m. - 2003-11-06
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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