i have to get this/these thing(s) down before i forget them. before the drift too far away. so even though i should be asleep or trying to get there i am compelled to write it out.
i saw two beautiful shooting stars on the way home from the brief disney day-trip with the homefront gang.
the cast list (in order of appearance --excluding me, the star of my own show):
[s]haron --because she met me at the door to jenn's house this morning.
[d]an --second person i hugged in the wee standing around morning hour(s).
[r]uel --rubbed his soft head affectionately and shook/held his hand because hugging is weird with him from time to time and i didn't want to chance a weird hug that could possibly have ruined me again.
[b]en --groggy mo'fo all shaven and half-lidded.
[a]nagabriel --wide uh-wake and sweet as all get out.
[j]enn --in bathrobe because she woke up and was running late as well.
[j]ohn --after having come back from atm and jack in the crack with [s] and [d] in tow.
aside from being somewhat way off schedule ((we planned/talked about meeting and subsequently leaving the derilo rez. at seven am. we ended up leaving at well after eight in the am.)) the morning didn't start off terribly horridly. but then again that's from my perspective.. which is already scarred and scraped up from my own personal biases and insecurities..
i'm not as prepared or as on the ball as i would've liked to have been but i can handle the criticism ((gah! why in the hell do i make it so important? why in the hell do i care what he thinks or what any of my friends think of me.. this insanity must stop i tell you!))
fast forward an entertaining INT. of car rap session. sans be-boxin. i know i shouldn't maybe fast forward this session necessarily because from out of it came some pretty funny little moments slash realizations slash points of interest slash curiosity. but ah.. i suppose i'll come to that when i come to that..
we get to the park and discover that we haven't signed on for Disneyland so much as DisneyLINE!! elongated crowds of bodies mashed together at both disney's main park entrance and at california adventure. note: the lines stay at, roughly, about the same intensity and volume throughout the day and into the darkening hours.
[if the lines were to count as a ride. we were riding rides non-stop]
when we finally enter the park we begin to make our way... somewhere.. i forget just where for the moment. all i seem to remember, for the most part of the trip, is that the strain of having to walk in an alarming stop-start motion/action coupled with intermittent claustrophobia made for a very long and trying day for me, internally. oh, and add to that the stress of having to (in my own mind) deal with [r] in an unhappy, distant, cool, tight-lipped, cautious, hesitant manner.. and you've got problems problems problems.
but considering and on the whole it wasn't really all that big of a deal. i'm just being my usual over-sensitive schlepp that i usually am.
but i digress..
why i'm writing this out to work it out is because the day was such an overwhelming mix of ups and downs and indifferences and waiting and waiting and waiting arounds that some kind of insight should have been gained. hah hah.. but alas. this is not so. this is not so at all.
i grow tired and tired and more tired still by the minute. there has been much and there will be much to tell and mull over.
i am at the end of my tether and i find it has been burnt off from its place
in the air: the movie dialogue of GHOST.. with whoopie goldberg and patrick swayze.
thoughts and contemplations: [see above]
1:38 a.m. - 2003-12-14
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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