Funny how something can just turn over on you.. practically overnight. *sigh* why did i write that here. why do people talk that way.. going all round-about and round-about to get at something --to say something catching even if it isn't new. bleh. then there is always the struggle and the failure and struggle again.
Well, the situation with being part of a pair is close at hand. [r]. yes. It's thrilling really. however unreal it feels.. like something you're not sure you've witnessed but can't quite account for. but i'll say it again. its thrilling and new and a second chance and long-awaited. a pleasant surprise.
The cursor here is a torment, taunting me as per usual. The blank page glaring at me. The space a fierce thing and unrelenting. Because how do you say things without the excess of too many articles or parallelisms, redoublings and intricacies that overlap into confusion. i've no method. i am not mad.
the struggle with language and fiction and explosion and expression, especially, and choice and need and representation and adequacy--
I kissed with my eyes open. I did what was right, for me, and went away.. in trying to keep to a sense of propriety.. albeit heavy and stricken with the stark staring impurity of sensations and of longing and of lust and something more--
because i went against myself and what i wanted, what he wanted, what we wanted. but he gave me the space i needed, requested, took, salvaged, required. he gives me... something of substance, of worth. my eyes are open and my feet still left the solid ground. my skin tingles and makes an unseen reaching gesture. my senses are full of his scent and his rough and his smooth; my hands and fingers smoothed over by an invisible body and its glorious parts.
I go over in my mind, whether awake or in a slumber, the night's activities; the nearness, the tracing trails on uncovered limbs, the holding and clasping and folding and resting. the sweetness so sweet it leaves us a wreckage of cavities and danger.
I am determined to maintain my mind. i am determined to right wrongs. i am determined to be better in and of myself and to apply all that i've learned in my long years of solitude and otherness. i am resolved in my effort to write with the sincerest sanity and the thought and the force and the urgency and the depth that i've always striven for; to still be.. to retain the quality of thought and creativity here and always freshly cut. i know what i do not want to become. i have seen it. i know i have a ways to go yet and a lot to learn.. without forgetting, that is, that the way i have come already is something in its own right.
ah, pep talks to the self, they always feel so strange.. curiously rejuvinating.
i just hope i don't talk things to death.. talking things into the ground as i am wont to do.
in the air: a movie on tcm. New Moon. a woman singing operatically. a woman in love with her lieutenant and engaged to some other bloke... doh! the end. and now.. buena vista social club.. guateque campesino
tomorrow.. up with the squirrels and thieves to do a load of laundry. bleh. i am so unprepared for the week that stands over me. bleh.
12:22 a.m. - 2004-01-12
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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