how can i even begin to speak about this weekend. how can i get it into the right words. how can i tell you about the experience without giving too much of myself away. [this seems to be quite the question for me these days: "how do i give.. how do i come to you without the fear of being overtaken, washed away.]
one of the only things that keeps running over itself is the thought: i want more. i hope i don't have to quit my job or drop out of school because of it. but i know now that i will crave it, him, us, that kind of we..
this man is a sweet and caring and thoughtful man. this man of mine who is not really completely "man" or "guy" so much as boy and friend. to my one group of friends he is someone whom i refer to simply as, the man because the man in my life seemed, at the time, to be too much. so, when grilled about it i said, "i call him that (around you guys) so that when or if i lose him, i can then sing out in bluesy pain that i have, in fact, done lost my man".
and oh how it would hurt to lose.. just in general.. but let me clarify about the above line about being thoughtful and wonderful on the whole. he isn't perfect.. not by a long shot. i mean he isn't/wasn't exactly that dream man that i had concocted for myself.. the one who spoke five languages and played the cello whilst planning his next sculpture project. certainly [r] is not that. and frankly i don't think i would want him to be.. nor even if i am (somewhere in the back of my consciousness) still looking for that. one thing, though, he has nice hands.. hmm. i should go back a ways and take another look at that list i made oh those many moons ago [an entry i think i titled: numb butt and dodgy days].
i guess the point is that i've sort of stopped looking. at least to some degree.. right? i mean, not to mention the fact that looking for the non-existent outside of our own selves is kind of a fool's journey. you bring what you have, what you are, what you dream and that's that. everything you're looking for.. everything you want to know.. you already know.. you already possess. this is something i've been struggling with since i heard [rob] say it all that time ago.
[.......]
there's really nothing i can say to refute the bittersweetness of even having a designated day of romantic love.. i mean, come on, right. so, meh. there it is. i fully acknowledge the fact that my involvment in said day and said day's expected affairs is utterly, bitterly, pungently cheesey. admission of guilt duly (sp?) noted, i hope. because, yea i'll say it, i liked it. i had fun with it, with my corporate america's allotment of lovin times. i liked that feeling of belonging to the nodding hordes of terrified, clinging people who have agreed to be especially thoughtful and to go out of his/her way to be loving or giving or otherwise....
but i digress.. what i wanted to talk about here.. to deal with or even to find out how to deal with my breaking my own restraints, my own reserved "nature".
i left myself open and vulnerable and i took a chance and, thankfully, i was handsomely rewarded. rewarded, i say, with [r]. his soft-spoken coaxing was only part of the tenderness he gave to me when he gave of himself, to me [.......]
we will all remember differently
1:09 a.m. - 2004-02-16
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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