i am aches and sour joints snapping.
hello, page or nonpage or seventeen or somesuch inch screen, hello.
update on it:
so... i don't know why i need to rehash but here goes.
i didn't leave [r]'s apartment feeling anywhere near good or whole or settled, as i should. i suggested a break of about a week. my words were, "maybe we should cool it for a week--" to which he responded with a not so pleasant expression of well.. exasperation. i don't know but i was angry. i was annoyed and angry and applied pressure.. i pushed and he didn't cave. but i know its too soon to push that way.. i just.. i really don't know what came over me. i suppose it was everything that was building.. it was everything i had been saving up that was pouring out in curdled clumps of bad news.
we got to a point where we thought it was best to just leave off and continue our talk the next day. i mean i had be talked into that one because i was really adamant about my week of away time. time i was going to use to re-orient myself in my life with myself. time i was going to use to write and maybe even sort things out with things and people i had been skipping out on or putting off to the peripheral.
so.. from there i flew--with wavering, fluttering tensions and tear-floods amassing--over to the derilo haus.
i landed and there they were.. some of the late-night gang watching the movie dummy. i pulled up a piece of rattan sofa and joined 'em because i couldn't lick 'em.
after the movie i wanted to talk but i didn't know how to raise my trouble up into the flourescent light of talk so i mentioned it and insisted on taking my leave of the remaining late-nighters. [e] was headed outside for a before-bed smoke and so she walked me to the driveway.. and i didn't leave. [jnn] soon joined to either see me off, keep [e] company or tell me to come back or all of the above. so i went back in.
i talked and vented and compared notes with [jnn] about [r] and the trouble brewing. i stayed 'til two. i stayed too long.. talked too much. i don't know how anybody can stand it.. i mean, me. i woke up with a light-headed start but still i was able to regain some sleep. and still i can't seem to make ends meet.. running on empty.. shit, am i writing a freakin eighties rock ballad?! no. and decidedly so.
i'm getting tired of writing out the minutiae of the day or the hours since i last logged in an entry. "i grow weary of this game.."
and so.. tonight i made good on MY pro-active action. i met up with him for a talk and a much-needed mending of matters.
more or less we're back on track. i told him, "don't think you're not off the hook.." and "i'm going to work on things-- on fixing the things i've done wrong as far as giving you the wrong impression about me and what i'm about and.." well ok.. maybe most of that was in so many words.. but it IS what i meant. it IS what i had in mind when i was sitting there impressed by the fact that he was actually listening to me in my indecisive shy-to-speak state. and i'm pretty sure he was listening because i did what [e] suggested about simply saying, "do you understand? tell me what i just said.. what did i just say" and he was-- he did-- he gave it back verbatim. neat trick, eileen, cheers mate!
so i'm not as shakey as i was at around this same time last night. this is good.. this is.. something i'm constantly getting used to.. swell.. this will be quite a project to have to work on.
BUT IN OTHER, BETTER NEWS!!:
JENN WAS ACCEPTED TO THE CHICAGO WRITING PROGRAM!!!! (insert the screaming and hooting and flailing about wildly)
it will be ten weeks and in the summer. i'm so ecstatic for her. when she told me, i swear, the air became charged with that element of electricity. i was SO happy for her. and [r] was with me, standing by, listening.. and i could tell he was happy for her too. proud of her the way he wished she would/could have been for him all those years ago (and even today).. i think he felt bad that they hadn't talked because i know he wanted to wish her well in it. congratulate her. share in it like only family can.. AHH but i digress. this was supposed to be the in-other-news segment of the update. YAAAAAYYYYY JENN!!
and with that i will close.. because sleep calls out in strained, light-headed, desperate gurgles.
12:23 a.m. - 2004-03-09
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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