last night, or early this morning, i dreamt i was with [t] and biggO and the rest of a group that i formerly ran with. it was such a lovely dream that i didn't want to wake up to anything diff'rent. and none of us were doing anything in particular. just sort of laying around reading magazines or watching teevee or teasing each other about being stupid or faulty people in the world. it was good times.. my mind, my former self remembering how we laughed. how we were silly. but things change, as they will, and people don't live inside those kind of dreams too often. people can't get back to something they've left or seem to have stopped visiting.
so i guess if i were honestly speaking i'd say that i was somewhat envious of the group. it isn't anyone's fault. as if change itself could somehow have or possess fault. no, i know how it goes. and so.. that's that. i wish though that sometimes when i speak to [t] about things.. i wish that i didn't feel as though when i express my longing for or missing the group that she didn't turn on the voice. the voice that says, "well, that's how things are now. diff'rent. you're with someone and he takes up all of your time..." but i'm sure i pro'lly sounded the same way when [j] became a part of a twosome. or when [j-wary] found what she was looking for and i sought and found a place with [t] and the boys.
there isn't anything one can do.. not anything that can be done though. these are all facts, that's all. facts to have to always be conscious of. i guess a part of me is just worried because of all the warnings i had gotten in my past.. warnings and/or threats about that friends should always come before significant others. "because one day you'll look around and realize that you have no one when that person you're dating has gone and left you" and i suppose this was really one of the reasons why i was single for so long (about seven years?) because i was afraid i wouldn't be able to keep things even.
i'd also be lying if i didn't admit that i was worried about how i may be being represented or misrepresented.. in this new thing which really isn't so new now i guess. i mean of course that i broke up the group.. that i went and wrecked the dink n' donk dynamic.
i'd be lying if i wasn't worried. but there isn't anything that can be done about it. i mean that's really the way with me, always "too little, too late".. and i guess it IS my fault for not making it clear enough to [r] how much i needed (need) him to meet these people whom i call friends. these people whom i still dream about even if i don't end up talking to them or seeing them as often as i'd like. well whatever, that's that until i can make things work out better. IF, i mean, i can even handle being all these things to everybody. ah well. we'll take happiness from where and when we can.
i've got to get back to who i was before i was the newer we i have become.
3:12 p.m. - 2004-03-14
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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