i don't know. i guess i'm going to be here until one in the morning.
yea so i'm scheduled to be backup driver for two hours tonight starting at 2300hrs.. that's eleven in the pee for the non-military time folks like me.. like me at heart. although i do kind of like this whole bus drivin gig. its back breaking work at times. its hard on the body.. especially the sleeping part.
in any case i know i don't make much sense these days. and that's a concern for me since today i sort of fell back into smitten with writing again. sort of. i'm taking a screen writing class with, i think, a trans-gender instructor. or i don't know. maybe he/she isn't really going for the full throttle operation or anything but well there it is. here, i pause and stare at the screen. thinking, ticking, thinking, ticking. ok. i think i will just speak and refer to my instructor as he. since his email is harrydodge and not harriet. although i really like that name.. harriet. in any case, he's real nice. funny. quite the card.
my god, i'm in over my head with this stuff
so i'm sitting there taking it all in, skimming through the syllabus.. and then it hits me. a realization. what the high hippies am i doing here?! i don't even have a kernel of an idea that i am remotely interested in working on. AND WE HAVE TO PITCH AN IDEA TO THE (overstuffed workshop) CLASS BY NEXT CLASS MEETING!! THAT'S MONDAY!!!
jenn.. sharon.. "HELP."
i mean.. ok. i'm not completely without some kind of scattered bunch of ideas.. but c'mon. i have no direction, people. none. i'm sittin there reaching back into memory and i'm coming up with stuff that isn't even-- that wouldn't even be interesting if i came up with this shit in junior high. so you see.. i'm a little.. unsettled. yea. that's a good word.
another unsettling thing for me is this shift i have to work tonight. back up driver, aka: bud. and aside from fueling buses and helping with parking and stacking of buses i don't think i want to do much else. like i don't want to have to call people (in this my briefest of office appearances) for coverage. i don't want to have to get on the radio and act like i know what i'm talking about. eeekk! responsibility!! i just wanted to be a cog in the great rubber wheel, man. trained to do a thing but not trained to be a master of those trained to do a thing. does that even make sense? ugh. me-- grunt-- now-- have-- nothing-- else. ugh
i just had a turkey sandwich from subway. well i had half of it anyway. and i'm updating about all this stuff so i can clear my head up of the garbage so i can create a little more space to move around.
omigod i sooooo want the charlie chaplin dvd 12 disc set that just came out. i was watching a bit about charlie on tcm the other day. i fell back inlove with the tramp. truth be told i fell back inlove after limelight.. *sigh*
so senator kerry is going to be here, on campus, tomorrow morning or some such thing. the campus "crew" is setting up. there's all kinds of fuss. an enormous united states flag is draped over the windows of the price center lobby area. all this stuff is being moved and shaken. stage spots are being set up. cables are running amuck. those portable railing numbers line the walkways.. i thought there was a concert but its all just for politics and the big showbiz brouhaha. did i spell that right? brew, hah hah. i think the flag disturbed me when i was walking over to get some food. my already bloodshot eyes were assaulted by the spectacle. i was surprised so that i stopped in my tracks because i think i forgot what i was doing or where i was going or what i was doing.. oh wait, i said that already.
and so for some reason i remembered this one book signing i went to near palm springs and the author of the book opened his home to guests and visitors and i remember that he had so much world war one and two paraphernalia that he had collected.. either by his own efforts, through friends.. he'd collected just all of this great stuff from the thirties and forties and it all looked so museum like and still pretty informal.. being that we were all his friends or friends of friends. in any case.. i remember that on one of the walls in his sunken yet spacious living room there was a HUGE and i mean huge and authentic, mind you, nazi flag. it was just gargantuan. and it was patched up in places because it had in fact been through y'know.. the war and all. it was just.. unbelievable. that's what i thought of when i saw this flag tonight.
the other flag-related thing that crossed my mind almost involuntarily was something i had seen on tcm, also recently. it was something patriotically hollywood.. or hollywoodically patriotic.. about the founders of the nation.. the thirteen colonies n' shit. i think i either had it on in the background and therefore couldn't concentrate on it or i really had just caught on to the end of the flick. for one reason and another, i'm saying, i don't know the exact context of the movie but i imagined it was all just archetypical and, no doubt, necessary for the time.. or something--
so the last scene is this woman, maybe it was mrs. washington, surrounded by these white haired men looking out of this giant window. they were all staring wistfully out at the horizon, at the setting sun.. then the woman starts to explain or narrate the sight and the fact that this in fact was an all-american sight. very divine and very skewed. she said that they would take the symbol of the flag from this view that everyone was gazing at. and she basically aligned this burgeoning nation.. these colonies born of revolutionary minds.. with the landscape.. with nature.. with an all-encompassing celestial territory
yea so that was pretty creepy because the shot that was held, even as the lady spoke, showed dusk.. hence the stars overhead and the setting sun sent out its red-orange rays and the clouds were these white striations...
like creepy eerie, yo. eeeeepp.
19:43 - Monday, Mar. 29, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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