hi its late. its early. i'm half naked and need to alleviate the old bladder. did i spell alleviate correctly? aww.. bleh..
i figured i'd update. or maybe just go through the motions since i took the trouble of signing in just to leave a note on anniewaits18's notes page. man, i am beat. only two hours of work tonight, as it will always be monday nights until the end of this quarter.. but we all know it isn't always so much the quantity of a thing like working a grunt-like job but that its so important to know "when" things are happ'nin.
2300hrs to 0100hrs just feuling and parking buses. but i'm not complaining. i like it. things were much faster with me picking up a good deal of the slack in telling certain buses that were coming off line to just meet me at the feul pumps. and parking the enormous muthuhs was as thrilling and goofy as watching someone play that new police trainer game.. that one they have at the arcade and/or dave n' busters.
i'm glad i don't have opening shift tomorrow. some of them buses was a'lookin crooked as the night wore on.
but enough about that already.
[r] asked me to go to europe for vacation. wow. dang. hmm. actually what he said was, "so you're going to have to ask if you can get a higher *rating* (??) on your credit card so we can go on vacation."
i knew what he was talking about, about europe, because he has never used vacation in any other context. so i knew when he said, "vacation" he meant for us to leave the country.
so hey i was really happy and flattered and ready to do cartwheels and handstands. but i said, "what?!" and of course he started to repeat what he said and i told him i heard him but i wanted to know if he could talk more about it.
so he did. and its weird for me. i feel weird. i feel like sometimes he puts me in these ultra adult moments where i don't really know where or how i should be. because honestly i wasn't hysterical. i told him i wanted to be practical and to excuse my seeming lack of enthusiasm. i just wanted to be practical before i lost my mind with the giddy parade that would soon come to stomp on my nerves.
i think its a wonderful idea. i think i've always been inlove with the idea of being whisked away.. even if the whisking was as tempered as this whisking has to be. but now that the idea (one of many in the recent past) has materialized.. well i don't know. i'm not really holding up my end of the deal. i'm supposed to be like off the wall excited or surprised or-- or-- or what? i don't know. but something.
don't get me wrong. i'd love to travel with the man i'm seeing. i'd love to do all those things i only talked about doing.... but i don't know. something stops me. like that time that [b] wanted to know what my problem was and why i didn't want to have christmas in new york with him n' the super couple [j]. and i explained to him about it. i wasn't comfortable in saying out loud then and i'm only a little less uncomfortable now but i somehow feel obligated.
you see, its just that for a very long time i was set. i mean i went through diff'rent periods of depression and fear and doubt and resignation about pretty much everything. every minute choice. every quality that might suggest a sense of self. but then there was this great period of light.. when i was ok with the notion of solitude. solitude for an indeterminate period of time. i began to crave it. i began to plan outings for myself. take breaks and run for refuge in the hills. to remind myself about perspective. and i was really ok. it was such a relief too, i remember, because i had become so dependent on andy. for friendship, for belonging, for something to do, someone to be with.. a life-raft for this piece of driftwood to cling to.
well.. big mistake.. yea, i know. we all make that mistake at some point. we all make it difficult for ourselves. well so ok. so i imagined and reveled in the imaginings that i would/could venture out into the unfamiliar on my own-some. i guess, for better or for worse, i thought i could be like all the positive things i found in one katherine hepburns' characters. the one in that movie set in italy. i think it may be called summer time or some such seasonal reference.
in other words, i wanted to go it alone. for a long time its been a preference. for a long time there was no one that i particularly missed or craved. i won't necessarily say that i've come to crave [r].. but at the same time it isn't at all that i'm trying valiently to keep him at a distance. its just.. its just that this whole thing is different. and the trip. i'd like to take the trip. the trip that is going to be a week long or thereabouts. to someone who had once dreamed of taking up residence there..? its quite a big deal.
i want to throw up my hands and never say "no"... but i'm finding more and more that i can't.
oh gah! tired! must rest!! i'm a grimey sonovabits..
and that's tonight.
02:04 - Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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