long talk in the car tonight after another fight/argument. more emotions. more apologies. more of the same, things that leave a "bad taste" on both of our tongues.
i know how unreasonable i'm being. i know it and i keep on with it. i know how unreasonable he has been and will continue to be.. but we won't get into that just yet.
i want too much, that's the first thing that's wrong. i want too much to go right that i'm willing to sacrifice-- what? me? ok.. maybe that's the other thing. worrying about losing "ourselves" in this mash of two wrong personalities don't make a right (at alba-quirky). wrong. am i wrong for thinking we are wrong? wrong with a capital-- scream. yes definitely. screams should be incorporated and inserted here and then at will throughout.
like, for instance (aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh), "r, baby, sweetie, tell me this: how are we a match?" (--an imagined conversation, purely)
this is already getting a little too disjointed for its own good. so i'll move on to the next point.
i think too much. in particular i think too much about having a deep and meaningful relationship. a deep and meaningful relationship that doesn't necessarily have to end in what he saw as something that looked (from his actuations) like the peak of a mountain (ah, very good.. boobs of the earth, so to speak. los chichis de la tierra. heh heh. chichis)
i think too much about the person i think i want him to be or need him to be that he isn't being.
sometimes i just sit here, thinking, "you're somebody's gal, you are" and that's a special thought now ain't it? special unto itself and all?
i suppose for the time being we are ok again. we are ok and we move forward and we play our parts.
but apart from parts.. i want to know that he's with me because of, oh i don't know, at least one solid thing that is uniquely my own. something that can't be duplicated by someone else. is it wrong? is it too much to ask to hear it? to hear the words when they come to you? when they're supposed to come to you? i don't mean those poochie-lovie-smoochie words and exchanges. i just mean that i need meaning. i can't do without it. and it is as though you, [r], sit there in your prim and tidy words and behaviors... and i stutter from a state of the jangled nerves.
what is this anyway--?
01:58 - Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004
Recent entries:
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anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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