i hate these goddamn workshops. i hate that i allow myself to feel this worthless over some goddamn words. over some god-forsaken words. i hate that everyone can simply bond and laugh over throwing up their hands in misunderstanding.
i want to tear the walls down. i want to write in permanent ink. i want to press down, hard. i want to never have to show myself in that class or in any other kind of place like that again.
i'm so out of place and out of sorts and out of time and out of my head and out of ideas. i'm so fucking hurt. i'm like a goddamn cry-baby. a goddamn crybaby i tell you. i want to run away. but only eight year olds run away. only wild kids run away. only brave kids, only brash ones... only daring kids ever run away. i am not daring. i want to disappear. i don't want to ever take part in anything ever.
oh god if only i could scream. if only i could scream and bring the walls down around me. if only..
IF ONLY!!
i'm so stupid. what made me think i could even attempt this stupid school business.. this stupid writing things down business.. this stupid trying to be understood business.. i want to die i want to quit i want to die i hate my words i hate when i try.
i have nothing to show for anything. i am nothing and i want to disappear. i'm such a baby about this stuff.
gad! and i know i'm the one that did it to myself. i'm the one that fucking backslides. i'm the one that isn't strong enough or doesn't have a grounded enough will that i can just go on fighting the way everyone fights. what's wrong with me? god i hate this. i've done nothing. i'm a failure and how can i expect anyone to be proud of.. proud of what? of this--?!
oh, now you're crying? that's right, that's all you're capable of. go ahead, that's all your good for. sob sob sob and you turn right around and do it some more. break your own goddamn heart because you're lazy and selfish and unworthy and untalented and unspecific and a copy-cat and boring and shaped funny and alone and UNORIGINAL! and mean and spiteful and play games and just fuckin dumb as bricks.
i fucking fucking fucking hate this!!!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
no other.
12:45 - Thursday, Apr. 29, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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