it occurs to me that perhaps i've taken this whole relationship thing too seriously.
i think i've gotten too used, too close and too far in this thing with my dear [r].
the thing of it is that he's been away for a little over a month and we are still so new. its disturbing, now that i have the time and the wherewithall (sp?) to re-think and re-examine myself in this thing. i wanted so much from the word go.. and what made me think i had a right to that in the first place? just because he took me by surprise by returning my affection? just because, as [b] stated, he was there?
and its scary to me, right now, to really think, "have i made a mistake? have WE made a mistake?"
i wanted so much for this thing to work and i was eager for connections to be made and closeness to be had. i wanted his trust and his love and his devotion and his thoughts and his time and his.. everything. i expected things that maybe i had no right to expect any of those things i merely wanted. just because you want something doesn't mean it automatically becomes yours. just because you call "dibs" or "shotgun" doesn't mean you'll get it. words aren't everything?
i know dreams aren't always accurate guages for living life.. not really. dreams are just their own realm and people have to quit interpretting or reading into them too much. and by people i, of course, mean myself.... but i swear, since that nightmare the other day.. i don't know. i'm convinced that he's met someone (or several someones) whom he may want to.. try. i mean, i realize that would be fraternization and he would never.. but guys (especially this one) often use the loop-hole logic that keeps them out of trouble. what i mean is that i know he would never "do" anything with another girl. but i don't honestly think that actions are an indication of what's is inside.
i mean, ok.. for the most part he's wonderful really.. underneath all the hard shell exterior. and he has goals and aspirations and real substantial qualities. but he isn't perfect. and just what if he does meet someone or start hanging out with someone onboard that he admires or..even has a crush on? technically that's "nothing to worry about" technically that's "not cheating"..
no, you're right, it isn't. but i didn't plan on being in a relationship based on technicalities.
i don't know. i'm so mixed up.
yesterday afternoon i did a wash at the laundrette and [jwalls] kept me company. it was fun. i only wish she had done her wash too.. just because i felt all self-conscious.
but that's beside the point. the point is that i took two gems of wisdom-on-the-run, one stated and one implied, from her about relationships.
one:well.. ok fine. yes. i understand, or i think i do, whole-heartedly. i'm one moody sonuvuhgun sometimes too. the notion sometimes i just can't stand being around people and i need some space to breath is definitely something i understand because its what i go through too! then there is also the next thing to consider..
maybe he doesn't like to be too close to people all the time. (ie. maybe he doesn't want to feel stifled or get too close sometimes)
two:and if that's the case.. then.. i don't know what i'm doing or why i'm still waiting around.
boredom. plainly stated.. the romance no longer has that same newness. it no longer possesses that tell-tale beauty and incomprability. that lustre that once was.. is no longer. passion, intensity, fire are nothing more than dying embers.
15:26 - Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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