i was just on the phone with [t] discussing various things to take both and each of our minds out of the depressive state. (long story)
and i said something that was an echo of something else i'd heard talk about once.. which was an echo of yet another something else somewhere in the life-long string of innate knowledge that keeps being cycled and relearned over again.
simply (and cheesily) paraphrased: in order to soar the highest heights (of joy) you must be acquainted with the lowest depths of sorrow and vise versa, of course.
and this applies to the situation with [r] because she asked me whether or not we had the chance to talk last night. i said that we didn't, not really. but the truth is that we never really do.. "talk" about anything. and that's mainly because he is unable to express things that he really feels. half the time i have to be a mind-reader and adjust myself appropriately. other times he says things plainly and i ignore his words and substitute what i think he should say or what i'd likt him to say.. which is equally disappointing. and though i realize that this can't go on, with neither of us wanting to give in or leave go our pride, without some emotional damage i don't think anything can be done. things just have to happen. and believe me, i realize how terribly weak and awfully irresponsible that sounds (and is) but honestly that's what it breaks down to. after all, this thing between us cannot be scripted or directed.. its about acting and reacting and being prepared for the next thing. because that is what is at the core of his personality. preparedness and efficiency.
[t]: so that's it and everything is smoothed over?
[me]: well no that's how it is on the surface.. but underneath there are still little lumps everywhere.
[t]: yea but everytime you don't say anything is spreading another smooth layer over the thing (the trouble)
[me]: yes i know but that's the way it has to be for now. i don't want to keep playing the role of the nagging girlfriend who can't get off his back about things. i want to be able to enjoy him so much that i will have something to really cry over later. and i want him to have something to really feel low about, something to really miss when its no longer there.
because that's the way it is. i have to surrender to something. i have to pick a direction and charge and let everything else sort itself out. i cannot nitpick everything because i won't have much of anything to cry about later.
because surrender is a part of balance.. and ultimately that's where i, at least, tell myself i'm headed.
and now, at the risk of seeming trite, superfluous, and shallow. here is an image, all big eyes and no soul. i give you, anime.....
You have a heartsick soul! Youre the type of girl
who always has a crush and is writing their
name on all your books. You are a hopeless
romantic. Waiting for that prince charming, you
take love seriously, but still play any chance
you get. You can have a lot of boys who are
friends, but waiting for that perfect
boyfriend. Sometimes you are discouraged
because there are no sparks but even if the
smallest thing happens, youre on Cloud 9. You
believe in true love and wait for it. Just dont
be afraid to take a chance. Love is all about
risks.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla (ANIME IS DEPLORABLE)
16:35 - Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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