these is a rant which is disguised as a list.
one. i think i have definitely been tricked.. made a chump and a fool. and now all i have is me scolding myself with "now do you see?" perhaps i was always a patsy to begin with. oh well, no matter now. my ego has, once again, been demolished. but its alright because too much ego can be quite a steep and terrifying downfall in the first place. its also alright because the ego is one of those things that regenerates if its been severed. and my goal here, with me, is to keep severing my ties to that troublesome ego. so there it is, i have been foolish and have only myself to blame. i have been misguided in my poor and idiot attempts to apply whatever i learn from him, from rb and d and god i'm so stupid! ok. marvelous, stunning, awesome. i feel just like i did when i fell down that hill, groping around in the dark and the mud while my ankle sought its escape in danger; while the site was swollen and throbbing and another reminder to trust my instincts. to sort and separate my instinct from my over-engrossed thought. as i have been through feeling like an idiot before, i know the score and this will take one more day to cycle through the usual discomfort and the need to crawl very deep into a hole. and then it will be done. for good. but thank goodness for reminders, eh. here's to me, in the coming years, taking my own advice and theirs.
two. i don't have a lot of time to finish these two pieces for the deuling professors. actually i shouldn't promote one and deny the other. that is wrong because one deserves the accolades and the other one, well.. the other one deserves something.. but that's not up to me. and depending upon which piece i-- oh lets not nitpick. this is not what i really want to write about anyway. i know which of the two instructor/professors i want to think well of me and it isn't the "cool" one with the following. she's too hip for my taste.
three. pain. can a person be addicted to pain? receiving and giving/inflicting? whether it be physical or emotional? i know about sadism and i know about masochism and i know about sado-masochism. but can a person be compulsively sadistic? no wait. compulsion isn't really addiction because it isn't driven by the same thing. compulsion, it seems to me, has more to do with the regularity of a routine. the romance and calm of repeated gestures. addiction seems to have more to do with a resulting feeling, impression. an impressive feeling. hmm. and then also one of the call signs of true addiction is that the person who suffers from it either does not recognize it as addiction or denies it completely. with compulsive "disorders" (what a wonderful word) the person who has compulsions is perfectly able to recognize it for what it is.or maybe i'm totally wrong. after all there are exceptions, yes. there are situations and people that really don't fit the bill. what brought all of this on? nothing. i was just thinking of a dear friend today while i was at work.. driving about on my route, in what felt like an endless version of the work that kept sysiphus busy (at least there are no hills to speak of on that side of campus. and for that matter, at least i'm driving and i'm not actually even pushing that blasted bluebird). just thinking about what keeps all of us on the path we're on. thinking about the words that are spoken in a conversation some distance away, going, its ok. this always happens. you just get used to it. no thank you, i don't think i will. getting used to something smacks of.. of what? of resignation? complicity?
which is it anyway?
is it "he jests at scars that never felt a wound," or
"he that never felt a wound, jests at scars"? which is it (one-eyed) Willy?
because i do think distinctions are not made arbitrarily. in the first, he (the playwrite and the speaker) it reads as if he's referring to the relationship that came before juliet. in the second he refers to mercutio himself, the speaker, the jester, the friend.
ah well. i'm as indecisive as ever.tomorrow, in AJ's class.. readings and exchanges and me unfit and cowering. gasp. only one letter away from strength. still though..i don't know..nothing. it comes to nothing.
i don't have it in me to be cool and dammit i have nothing in and of myself to defend or hold up. no art. no words. no life. average is as average does.. crank the wheel all the way to the left and lift your foot softly off the accelerator. manual labor is as far as this will go.
i'm done for and folded up.
18:09 - Monday, Feb. 28, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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