yesterday wasn't such a good day. it was, i think, a bad day in a not so overt sort of way. but that was yesterday.
today i woke up to the familiar sounds of space. since i often sleep with the teevee tuned to one of the movie channels its no surprise. usually i'm on tcm or amc. in any case, i woke up to the familiar sounds created by someone whom i can say i've had the honor and pleasure of meeting. the movie i'm talking about is forbidden planet and the person i'm talking about is BeBe Baron. i think its a good sign somehow that i woke up to this movie. and i guess i need good signs or something. or i guess that i feel that i need good signs.
this morning i woke up from a bad dream that left me with bad feelings. i would've woken up earlier but i laid in bed and forced myself to lay in my dream until things changed. i didn't want to wake up from a dream that left me feeling the way i felt. needless to say i woke up at around nine:twenty and it is now two minutes away from ten. what a waste, i know. but that's not what i wanted to write. what did i want to write. well, the dream. i mean since i kept myself from waking up just for the purpose of remembering it --or anyway not letting me forget about it.
what was it?
i dreamt that i was living in a house with a few friends, i think. i was living in this house with these friends that didn't look like the friends i have now. by that i mean that my rational mind wouldn't (have) recognized them because they didn't have on the proper faces. i sensed them and then another part of my mind interpretted them as who they "really" were. this isn't the bad or strange part really, this is just what usually happens. the people i know in my dreams i know not by face or any outward recognizable features but by how they speak or the way we interact, how i'm received by them, the vibe they give, what i sense.. that kind of thing. so this dream involved myself living in a house (that got a lot of outside light). these people, my friends, seemed to push me away. they seemed to leave me out increasingly much. they didn't want to talk to me or they didn't want me around or they didn't include me anymore or something. its so small and petty i know. but i felt hurt. i know what this dream means. i know that i've been concerned about that recently, that i feel disconnected from people. mostly people that are expendible (sp?) like some people at work and school. just because there are so many of them. and i know that recently i've been thinking a lot about fidelity where it concerns romance and being meaningfully linked with and to people. that is to say, i've been worried --and rather irrationally too-- about "the other woman" or "the other man" or basically the other, unaccounted-for element that brings about hurt feelings and bad dreams.
the dream isn't as fresh now, of course. and i'd knock myself out if a) i knew how and b) that it would take me directly back to the exact thing that i mean to bring out here.
but i can do niether.
.here i am, rejection
09:42 - Saturday, Oct. 09, 2004
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