[HERE IS WHERE I ORIGINALLY STARTED...ABOUT SIX HOURS AGO]
just back from the trip to (and from) palm springs with d and rb. left yesterday in the mid-morning and stayed the night at one of the Marriot hotels, the courtyard i believe it was called.
d drove both to and fro, his truck fielding all of the road bugs. ick.
[NOW ITS SIX HOURS OR SO LATER]
i feel a little bit wrecked. and the sad thing is that there's really no reason for me to feel this because i'm young (or fairly young) and healthy (or fairly healthy). but i am out of shape. or i don't know. is this really why i am a wreck?
"when the mind is troubled, the body cries out" --godfather ii, i think
meh.
last night was rather sleepless. of course i'd like to say that it was because of something useful. like that my mind was active and i was being productive, but this is not the case. i was afraid to let my guard down and go to sleep. now, if we're going to talk about placing this pathetic display of sleeplessness or unrest in the realm of will power... i could either be seen as a quite strong person OR a miserably weak one.
what could have affected my sleep (other than exercising the bodily control requried to vomit in the appropriate receptacle made to handle vomit)?
[]
ehem. as i was saying.. besides the physical, the corporeal, hassles of being sick, something that may have affected my mind was rb's comment/observation as he walked me the few steps to my room (310), "oh, its haunted"
wonderful, i thought. i said, "i know,"
to which he responded, "do you feel that?" and then, as the door is closing behind me, "i knew it. you smell that? cigarette smoke..." and of course the door shuts behind me on his words and that great mischief smile.
wonderful.
fast forward through my uneasy feelings, my unsettled state, my constant looking over my shoulder in the shower, my troubled expression looking back at me through mirrors reflecting and casting strange patterns of light on the walls.... we're leaving the courtyard for Sarah's party that is six minutes away (i hope i'm spelling her name correctly).
this was my first time. i really wished donnie was there, he really IS the great equalizer. i felt, as i always feel when i've been fortunate enough to be included in the bustle of rb's life: unworthy, unprepared, possessing nothing in and of my own..of truth, light. sad that i am so measley and meager. and i can't understand it or me or my place. but it isn't about me, this is my safety and my crutch so i scream it to myself inwardly, "you don't matter right now! relax now. it isn't about you! just try to blend in."
also, lots of wine helps.
in truth, i wasn't what you (or i) would call plastered drunk, three sheets to the wind, tight, blasted, obliterated. no. just because i was sick afterward does not mean that i was completely gone. not at all. i will admit to being rolling on quite a comfortable buzz. and it wasn't as if i hadn't eaten anything because i had been eating. but perhaps just not the right foods. a little shrimp cocktail, a little tarty treat, a little smoked salmon, a little home-made trifle (with far too much rum) does not exactly do a great job of soaking up alcohol.
but i felt so relaxed and at ease. i spoke to people whom i did not know. i mingled. i mingled with some of rb's friends. i mingled with people not of my generation and it was marvelous! i felt at home and i think i am making strides.
i am making strides.
i had such a wonderful time of it. Josh showed up, decked out in his gear, stepping out of time. i wish, though i have not met her, Kim had been there.. for rb's sake. its good to have someone who awakens and envigorates something inside. its good to feel the pacing heart quicken. but if i think about it a little too much..i will make myself go into hiding.
"no me toces o te chemo" --toni casanova.
i will question myself, my credibility, my worth, my place. not just with my friends, my varied gorgeous friends. but my identity, my place, my purpose, my time--which is running out.
once again, i must tell you, the pendulum swings away. i am approaching the downhill stretch again. the valley before me is dark, the peak behind me is darker.
i, alone and hurtling down toward something, howling, mad, a throbbing burning fever, warped and still moving through tonight.
21:17 - Monday, Mar. 07, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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