its one of those nights again. the kind of night when all the nagging, creeping, secret, stupid fears come out.
earlier i caught another one of those "new" reality shows on tv. it was called hooking up.
well after having posted the link above, i feel i have to correct myself. the show is actually this new show/series is described as a "documentary" following eleven women through a year of dating and/or "hooking up" with men they'd met over the net.
all trials and errors, right?
its great. or i mean i suppose it makes for great tv drama. it had me watching, certainly.
well, now, having seen that show and since i'm still reading (and almost through with) carrie fisher's "surrender the pink".. my own thoughts have turned back onto romance and relationship.
all of which takes me back to the beginning of this entry. its been one of those nights.. filled with too much thinking and fantasizing and sorting things out in my head. creating fictional or soon-to-be-fact dialogues..
all the time thinking to myself about what do i really want and october is my last chance to make it work with ruel. october is the deciding month. and i don't even really get the whole month.. just a few days perhaps.. a week at best maybe.
what do i want? what would i like? whats next?
i don't know and i'm really terrified.
not of solitude.. but of having to admit or choose a path that i'd never really considered with very much intent. i never held my ground, see? i'm terrified of rejection and what it means to be thought of as not really good enough.. or at least, not (yet) really good enough. because isn't that just getting passed-over again? passed-over for someone better, more energetic, exciting, loving, nurturing, able, confident, slimmer, quicker witted.. someone who could/would bring out the best in him without having to call attention to it or doubt or ask about it? someone who isn't as loud about being awkward?
god i miss him. and long distance relationships don't last with personalities as ours have become for each other. it has to be frequency or nothing. and then whats nothing?
i miss him now because he's not here, not within reach, and i don't have a choice in the matter. but what about him, that belongs only to him do i miss? his sense of style? no. his charm? hmm.. maybe.
i miss his arms.. being held close.. being close or safe or needed.
i miss that he wanted me.. chose me.. me! for goodness sake, me! out of all the possibilities from the many other girls in the vicinity he decided on me!! he liked me, the company, that rarely said no and was/is always willing to try something new.
he liked some of me.. some of the time...
whats going to happen after october?
i'm tired of being so concerned about things that i don't have any control over yet.
how foolish, how very like a woman.
i'm so angry and ashamed and cliche that my skin is cries out in ash, skin thats awful to my own touch.
what am i going to do with my life?
is that, ultimately, what this all comes to? ultimately and simply..
i am now deciding this: enjoy him and us for what we are. chums. pals. romantic components in this one and a half year old machine that makes nothing but noise.
the grating noise of time pressing itself, in vain, against an ever-deflating and formerly-throbbing heartsickening affection.
~and all the water in the world does nothing to drown my pride and my awful gnashing feeling on the matter.
00:57 - Friday, Aug. 05, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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