i don't know who the artist is for this image. i googled the word love and this came up on the first page with loads of other images.
the thing is that i was originally trying to google for images that had some kind of hugging or embracing or crying or any combination of the three. i didn't find anything i liked very much.
and the reason i was looking for an image at all was because i was trying to recapture something that had passed.
i was watching some small bit of a scene from a movie wherein a girl loses her parents to a terrible car accident. it is the day of the funeral/wake and she is being comforted by her soon-to-be guardian. they embrace. and ultimately thats what i wanted to journal about. and yes i even googled embrace, at first.. but could not find the right image.
this past tuesday night i embraced and was embraced by li'l beva. we had a prolonged tearful moment while dom slept in the living/sitting room.
and i discovered that no matter how much i try to suppress it.. when i do pull someone close to me i really do feel the desire to be someones mum. its incredible because i'm flooded to drowning. the ribs and bones covering my chest feel as though they're about to disintegrate. and i can't stop myself from crying as though this was always how i lived--this, a kind of breathing or drowning or both.
i won't and can't pretend that because of that instant alone, because of the shared vulnerability, that she and i are now somehow so much more. (after all, haven't i always said--or always meant to say--that true friendship was frequency?) its just that the exchange was so surprising and so eye-opening.
it was the kind of feeling that has the power to alter lives and question paths. the kind of feeling that unsettles the exquisite torture of love.. and then going on to create more.
and now
now i wonder if i'll ever really love anyone the way i loved him. or anyway the way i thought i loved who i thought he was in the first place.
its a bit funny because my sense of things as they are reminds me of that scene in that original Dirty Dancing movie. its the scene just after Baby's doctor father forbids her to ever associate with Johnny and the other staff. she goes in to apologize to her Johnny.
BABY: me?! i'm afraid of everything! i'm afraid of what i saw, of who i am. but most of all.. i'm afraid that i'll walk out of here and never feel the way i do when i'm with you....
in all the times i've watched the movie, i've never understood what she was talking about. how can you be afraid of something as silly as that?! i thought. it isn't hard, just love him and get over it and move on!
apparently it doesn't quite work that way. and it is in fact a real sort of fear and pain combination.
and here i am, just astounded at my own (re)discovery of such a true and intrinsic concept. kindness and care, real affection, motivated by selflessness, consideration, patience, love.
well its late.
i shall have turn in and leave my thoughts about it all. i shall have to leave them all suspended here, for now.
in the meantime, i am ashamed to admit (therefore i must admit) that i'm constantly welling up with too many tears.
but i suppose they can't all belong just to me.....
01:37 - Saturday, Jun. 04, 2005
Recent entries:
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anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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