originally penned 24 March 2007, 2:49pm
Its Saturday and the sun is out. The wind blows from a north-easterly sort of place. I face the bay, the rippling water, passersby, the afternoon sun. At my back, Mom & Dad in the car waiting or passing time, I know not which. Its mom's day off and I haven't really put in much time with her or them together. yesterday i was out. I was in a bad mood a little while ago and thats why I'm out here. I don't want to aggravate myself or my ornery father and my too-sensitive mom. This outdoor table is sticky w/grime but I'd rather be out here than in there--I'm too sensitive and ornery in my own right. Toni is texting but I cannot be bothered, at the moment, to act as yet another crutchd. Jenn is texting but not really because she needs anything more from me than the expected confirmation... i hope they understand.
Aside from the practical worries and stumbling blocks I'm mulling over my thoughts drift naturally toward the impending changes, events, turning points, connections. afterall, what are big worries mde up of but little worries all joined together on the same bloody barbed wire fence? right. Its now 3:03pm. I should be listening to the wind, enjoying the sun that touches my skin but i'm not. i'm committing meaningless lines of doubt, frustration & petty concerns to this scrap of found paper & I'm pretentious about it now too! God this is awful drivel. There are mallard ducks nearby & the wind is a steady, insistent gust that I'm drowning in. I hear nothing in it but roaring, rushing, demands to make better use of my time, energies, talents, cautions... my neck feels like its going to snap every time I turn to my left. The grating sounds of an ice cream van slides annoyingly by, attempting to compete w/ the rushing cold in my ears. my right foot has taken a nap and there are people all around. Boys chasing ducks over grass and rocks. what could he do if they never flapped and flew away. The fowl, they run and fly from him for practical reasons. They know how the world works, they know their place in it; its written in their nature by blood of years, stored, conditioned, ingrained knowledge. Is the boy trying to catch one? Or is he merely chasing it away? Does he want to own it, destroy it, or consume it? What do any of them want with each other, the fowl & beasts & men of this earth? An answer arrives as if on cue: a small boy, a toddler holding the hand of his granddad. He's clearly a gent from another time. And they are the only relationship here, now, in front of me that i admire and revere with all my soul. It is the bond of age, of wisdom, of love, life in perfect alignment. I must go away now, I'm being summoned now to practice what I preach & scrawl to fear...fear, that is, in knowing that it too will be gone.
11:35 am - 25 March 2007
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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