here's what i wrote this morning during the routine morning write:
Here it is, morning now and late into it. Nearly lunchtime, nearly noon, I should think. The room was bright but I didn�t want to begin the day, perhaps it was my will that had been weakened during the night. I don�t remember dreaming and so my thoughts turn backwards into the evening when I was in the company friends, surrounded by the children of disbelieving. When we laughed together we laughed heartily. For a moment I was home again with the one child at the center singing a song or doing a dance while we cheered and let ourselves relax into ourselves, the audience�the happy family.
But I�ve just remembered something, a sliver of the dream I had dream.
i didn't finish because the day got started. but even before that there was this (a thing i took from anniewaits18):
Where was I? Walking around in some great expanse of a place that looked to be a hotel or apartment complex sitting in the middle of the desert. It bore a striking resemblance to places I have been or lived. This is not unusual, of course, but it does me some good to remind myself of these things when I am anxious or alone or wandering. I was clearly only exploring, alone but not troubled, and not lost or at all troubled. Traces of sunshine were everywhere but I felt no undue discomfort, neither in my lungs nor on my skin�I wasn�t even squinting. Attached to some unobtrusive looking poles, that lightly sketched out the perimeter, were giant flags or flag-like banners.......
10 Years ago, this month, I:wow. sorry sharon.. didn't mean to be a biter. i think i was maybe lazy and/or distracted. yea.. that's it.
--I was living in the Philippines trying to decide what month I should come home to California (I had an open ended ticket and took advantage of it without realizing my visa had expired).
--sitting on a bench in my uncle�s neighborhood hole-in-the-wall restaurant contemplating the coming party for my other uncle�s birthday. Because in a big (and close) family, its always someone�s birthday.
--was a bit of a bum.
5 Years ago I:
--was barely transferring to Uni from community college (I think).
--finished my first short film on film.
Oops! that wasn't me!
--and neither is this eep!went on a shoot in a submarine in Massachusetts [even though i lived in new york].
1 Year ago I:
--was in my second month of being a couple (with my wonderful, handsome, softspoken, hard-headed, stormy ruel)
--was failing latin
--flashed people at Toni�s birthday party held and hosted at the derilo rez.
So Far This Year I:
--lost contact with my friends who are growing up quite gorgeously (and leaving me behind)
--attended a party at a friends� home in Tijuana where we all dressed up in 40s gear and swing danced our troubles away.
--lost my mind over something that happened over thanksgiving of last year�but mended (still mending?) things eventually.
Yesterday I:
--read from the pocket kama sutra out loud in a bookstore with a good friend (just to see if anyone would flinch)
--went out with janwar and theron for dessert from ralphs and hot drinks at tea station.
--tried to dance around to strengthen my ankle some more.
Today I:
--woke up in the living room.
--closed the blinds and danced around like a maniac to the Buena vista social club.
--attempt to get my car radio back to working order.
Tomorrow I Will:
--go to the bank and try to get a loan
--try to make it to the shuttle office to turn in a late timeslip
--watch a movie.
In One Year I Will:
--(hopefully) be graduating (finally)
--have lost thirty pounds (at least).
--be happier and more successful and have it all together than I do now.
In 5 Years I Will:
--on the ocean and in between homes and situations
--have a child, a girl or working on having one ((aaahhh! Skeerd!))
--win big money in the lottery in which to invest and/or be smart about keeping the money on my side because I hate having to scratch and scrape for it.
in 10 Years I Will:
--own (or co-own) a home with my nearest friends
--taking my daughter out for auditions in Hollywood just for fun (and also to live vicariously through her�hahah. Juts kidding)
--visit the Cebu again.
at the moment my nose itches and my left eye goes throbbing or stinging intermittently. the light cuts on the backs of my hands have a soreness that all wounds do.
other than that, i have love and i have worries. i'm off into the goodfriday fullmoon night.
more again soon again.
20:22 - Friday, Mar. 25, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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