woke up earlier than my usual today. and i wouldn't have done so if i didn't have to relieve my bladder so badly. i'm following along with toni, drinking more water--attempting, additionally, to make better choices...though i suppose anyone could come along and say what a noble idea that is for someone who is currently between jobs.
so i woke up, neck hurting and head still being the underhand traitor to the rest of my body. i shake my fist in the air and bite into my second hard-boiled egg. between 0730 to about 1125 i make excuses, i send out messages, i attempt to write. nothing comes and i look for my knee pads in vein. i clean the dust from my blades (thats skates for those not in the know) because i plan to enjoy and celebrate the day by sweating and letting myself go darker.
sufficed to say none of that was accomplished, at least not by means of the skating and whatsoever labored breathing there might have been. my will power was once again put to the test, you see, i was fighting the grizzly fight with my body. feeling sick inside the oven-heat of day is a struggle.
i went and spent a day with my dad, hes retiring soon with plans to move (for awhile or until he gets bored) back to Cebu. hes fond of saying that you always go back to the place you were born, raised.. you go back home. hes tired, saying that hes doesn't want to have to speak \"inglis\" anymore. hes joking of course. he'll be itching again to return to California once the end of the second month hits. but that is yet to come. as of now he just doesn't want to have to work anymore. he wants to read, collect his maps, watch movies, garden, sit in the sun and reminisce. it won't be that easy though, i know it. anyone (which means everyone) who knows of his arrival, who needs money and isn't too shy to ask for his help, will scramble to get to him. and when he runs out he'll come back for a visit or--?
turn to me, of course.
the point is, hes waiting for his second wind and, i guess, so am i (waiting for mine).
these days are the prelude to what could be: activity or nothing.
so today we made a sort of day of it. he drove the tourist route and we talked and we didn't. i told him that i was interested in taking a boxing class. he suggested combat judo. i thought about it, i thought about aikido (which has been one form that i've been drawn to for its low-impact looking movements) i want something...but i don't know. yesterday afternoon something struck me and i spent about a half hour swinging and twirling this big wooden stick i have, pretending to move and strike an invisible opponent. the neighbors must think me a fool. a giant eight-year old acting fool.
but today, at some point during the day trip, i fell asleep in the car--head, neck and eyes all aching areas.
i could feel myself, half-asleep and half-struggling to breath whenever the car picked up speed--an excess of rushing wind trying to fill my drowsing aching feelings.
we stayed close to the mission beach areas.. close to the water.
in the afternoon, mum came along for a family trip to point loma and the tidepools. i made my way up to the old lighthouse (though renovated area) about an forty minutes til they would start kicking everyone out.
people came in and out, in such a flustered hurry. too worried over their aching feet and the wrong shoes to notice the fading red blanket atop the quilted covers of the master bedroom. too loud to love the small childs doll rocking in the sitting chair. small children and dainty-footed women in platforms attempting to get their money's worth of my small, dear house. everyone, myself included, looked like they could've used a moment to freshen up.
i love that house.
i was quite obssessed with lighthouses (the way i am with looking into open windows, now and always). something about the solitude, the close quarters. i loved the feeling of being enclosed.. almost entombed really. when i was young i made a game of hiding in small places, i suppose every child did. though i can't deny that i have had my moments of what could easily be something like claustrophobia, they haven't been often.
i remember, in sanfrancisco, when i was really young and couldn't leave the house to play, that i would lie in bed with the covers over my head, wondering how long i could stay under without panicking. and i never felt safer than when my back was flush against the wall. but i'm sure most kids felt that way.
but getting back to the last-minute tourists earlier today. what a crack-up. i don't much like being around strangers and i think it was the actual presence of the people that made me feel claustrophobic, not the abbreviated spaces. perhaps i will one day have a different opinion on it but as of now i think i can say that i would love nothing more than to live inside a cozy, multi-leveled structure--very like a lighthouse.
as for my current status, my headache has, to my delight, long gone. i still need to make better choices in the way i eat, breath, live. for now though i'm overjoyed that i'm trying to take the time to meditate on things, people, the past, my place. though i have such a long way to go.. i won't deny myself the past.
perhaps i'll update again. im long overdue for the indepth vents, the intensities and circle thoughts.
i can't wait for the familiarity of times and comfort..
i can't wait for r to come back, no matter how brief his stay.
i can't wait for the change in step.
i can't wait to dance again.
i can't wait to sing
i can't wait, but i m---
21:13 - Saturday, May. 14, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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