what can be done. what is there left to be said when a person is faced with the failing and falling and rending apart of a friendship?
maybe i'm being over-dramatic about it. maybe its just that i'm moody. maybe i'm pms-ing. all the same, i can't shake the feeling.
toni called and since i changed everyones personal ringtones i didn't recognize the sound that was coming from my phone, buried deep in my tote. it was a clanging ring that made me think of an old rotary phone. it made me think of old-fashioned bells, recess and scuffed brown shoes. i picked up too late. i hate picking up too late because its the same feeling as slamming into someone headed in the opposite direction.
things turn on you at the switch of a ticking clock.
i tried calling, she called, returning and volley.
what a strange thing to have happen on you, a mood.. a turn of words.. the inability to cover a patch of too-much quiet. the confrontation and attempted exchange of one mood for another. what is my trigger word, i wonder. the sound of the inexplicable and wordless. what was i thinking? i was thinking too much about our night-time conversation. about apeasing, about desire, about boundaries. and you never really think about what you can't do or say or what you're not allowed to trespass upon until its made clear and definite that you cannot. should not.
signals and frequency have gone garbled, crushed in hand.
where was i a year ago? where were they all.. the ones that i've traded and exchanged.
i'm talking in confused circles again. can't get anything straight. finality and trouble. oh bother, says paddington bear, so ready for the rain to come.
i'd like to close the door again. i know its not good. after all, i've got things to work on. not very many more days until the submission of the piece to the workshop.
i'm going to forget this. i'm going to forget the impulse to drive away and turn off the phone. i'm going to spend more and more time and perhaps i can start over again.
my concerns and troubles are really nothing.
all i'm good for is listening. providing a safe space for those who need someone to listen. i myself am empty.
i feel dull and aches all over, from the inside.
i don't feel like i can connect anymore with anyone. there is no one. i am alone. what can i do and where can i go. the answer has always been away.
goodbye dom, toni, andy, january, the oscars, parents, family, ben, rob, jenn, ruel, discipline, love, passion, art, books, movies, time
i hate having the blues and i hate no reasons and i hate being alone. i must sink or swim because there is no shallow end.
ENOUGH. enough now.
13:49 - Tuesday, May. 17, 2005
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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