(in no particular order):
jenn__ dear friend. the twin soul i was always looking for. puppy love's childish turmoil brought us together, scandal keeps us together. she is deeply intelligent, analytical, creative and thoughtful... and these things equal "sex appeal"; something she's always denied (or never believed) she's had in the abundance that she has it! she's somewhat OCD but lovable and clean smelling, always. there has never been a time in our friendship when i ever felt superbly unwelcome. we've had our spats and our venting fits of insanity but i have never felt cautious around her. she's younger than me (but not by much) and shorter (but not by much) but i look up to her and i ain't afraid to say it niether. i've always said it and i guess i always will: she is (and has been) the me i want to be.
john__ jenn's musician lover and friend of-- five years? he is family. he has soul. he is handsome, he's not blind and he plays a mean bassline. he possesses a wealth of knowledge tempered by a passifist's humility and..well.. jenn. heheh.
dom__ dear dear friend. another one, an other family. another twin soul? hmmm. perhaps a select member of the soul's personal network? connections never cease to settle with him. i've learned a lot about us both by listening to him rant and rave. he is one of the handful-- or smaller than handful of people that i feel truly myself around. if it weren't for him i would not have had the pleasure and the honor of meeting such souls as robert or donnie or sparky or pooh and i would have been less than i am. one day he'll live away from the trappings of the city and we'll really keep in touch then.
toni__ a new addition and a happy one. she bursts with love, loyalty n' laughter. she is, by far, the most persistant person i know. she wears her heart on her sleeve --yea and a few other places too, just in case you miss it. she is generous with her time --and others-- she's ambitious and, hopefully, not the last in a line of strong women. she is bright, eager, funny as all get out (especially when she's tired from manaul labor) and a real swell kid all the way around. she's taught me a lot about what it takes to be a woman who isn't afraid to get down n' dirty and in the thick of the trouble. she makes me think a little bit of the zorba character in the movie zorba, the greek. i really wish i'd had the honor and the pleasure of meeting her father while he was still with them. i never knew the person she was before, in the days when she could afford to be young and risky. i started to know her when the sobriety of living took firm hold. i am grateful to her for many things, not the least of which are those hours of talking and sharing bits of our own brand of psychoses. this girl, she's really something special and i love her dearly.
january n' theron__ these two come as a set. even ask the youngest derilo (actually cobian) sister in the house. she refers to january as "wahwee" and to theron as "woowee". i call her some one or the other variation of her name. mostly its juhr in the written and spoken. the two are also sometimes known as januron or thanuary though technically january is jenn's younger sister. but getting back to the set, they seem quite perfect for one another. crafty go-getters who romp and make their play into something truly fun, groovey, and --on the whole-- entertaining as a smart and vibrant show for advanced children. they are "the kids" to jenn-n-john's adult dynamo. january was kind enough to take me in as her friend when jenn passed me off to her because there became less and less time to connect in the days when her and john were first starting out. there is a precision about january and a scraggly-ness about theron.. they remind me of that oldchuck jones short, entitled the dot and the line
ben__ john's oldest friend? john's oldest friend that he still talks to on a regular basis? one of john's oldest friend that he still talks to on a regular basis whom we have now adopted as one of our own? heheh. ben is a sure thing. i mean, what i meant to say is that ben was someone whom i thought would be on loan, from john and/or jenn, but i've gotten to know him and trust him... enough to tell him i had a kind of a crush on him way back when i, in fact, DIDN'T know him all too well. when i was even more boy-crazy than i am now --if you can believe that. ben is a dear, he's fragile --the way we all are-- and he's also the tempest that we've all been warned about. he's a really good guy.. upstanding, chivalric, cracked and whatnot but still good. that is, until he knifes you in the gut or provokes you into a fight for your life kind of wrestling match. he is ruled by his unluck. ben, the two of us should look no more.. for we've both found what we've been looking for. i always go for the cheese when i run out of material. i used to chat with ben, used to be in so much more contact online. we used to play checkers online! ah well.. strange when the pendulum swings fully out of range.
osCCar__ one half of the "osci".. i.e. he has another friend with the same name. the second c isn't really there but its a way for me to tell the difference (at least on paper) because his last name starts with a c. ohkay. what to say. oscar is another one of those strong souled or willed people... and yet.. also a sure thing. heheheh. he is a somewhat recent addition.. but only a little more recent than toni (see above). he just moved out into his own place. he's a gemini and probably truer to his zodiac sign than he thinks or knows. but who wants to be pigeon-holed into the appropriate slot. bleh.
he has many interests and dreams and plans and rules. he is (like) a double-edged machete, if that's even possible. i'm happy with the walk-on role i've gotten in some of these college-year episodes. he has heart and he has real hugs. he has tenderness and a darkside... and usually quite a well-thought out and articulated point. --friggin' punkass.
oscaRR__ the other half of the "osci". his last name starts with an.... you guessed it! an r. i don't want to call him "lilo" --pronounced: lie-low, because it originally stood for "li'l O" as opposed to big O.. which is how we (myself and the others) could/would differentiate the two when speaking of them. but i don't want to do that anymore. i mean as much as possible i don't. nicknames are great, believe me i know i have a ton of them myself and all from diff'rent groups, but it IS another thing to have the nickname sort of take over. i mean that i was really starting to associate the nickname with the person, the character.. you know? yes.. well.. what can i say about this guy. well.. he has nice eyes. he's idealistic and optimistic and often gets into discussions slash debates with toni. i don't know, they both claim that's just how they interact with each other. their own unique brand of "hangin out with friends". i often find myself listening in on tense and heated arguments with not a clue as to what one or the other is fighting for.. or for that matter fighting to be heard for.. or for that matter if the arguments are only skin deep anyway so what's the point? what's with all the fighting anyway? gah! when i first met him i was attracted to him, no question (is there a pattern forming here?) and i mean my voice caught in my throat kind of like then i stepped aside because another friend had developed feelings and now..? now we're all just friends that hang out and put up with each other because its a lot easier to do that than to be lonely. he's a funny guy.. real diplomatic when he wants to be. real sensitive. real accomodating. not real patient.. with friends. strangers, sure.. patience up the wahzoo.. but with friends? no. not so much ((hahahah))
[r]__ my current affair (as opposed to my former) love life goes here. i want to reveal his true name but he may not like it, being put out into the public with so many uncontrolable factors. he has aliases anyway, for work, because for some odd reason people cannot pronounce his whole name (complete with the -ito at the end). he and i are newly paired and for the time being a good match. it'll be somwhere around five months this thursday. i'm optimistic. he and i are real private like. its been some real getting used to though.. he's very stubborn and demanding but also very giving (or so he tells me). he's still kind of a mystery and projects his troubles and issues onto me without knowing it or knowing it and denying it. did that make any sense? no. but who cares at this point. i know he cares for me. he's told me so and he's shown me. the only thing is that he hasn't yet met every one of my friends. he hasn't yet met big oscar for one, and biggo is constantly giving me shit for it. he hasn't met dominic either. he hasn't met my parents or any of my nearby cousins. not that that kind of thing is mandatory.. believe me, i wasn't even going to pressure him into meeting my parents. but with that i went the other direction completely. gave him the wrong impression. and now.. here i am.. its always an issue. i can't really understand why he can't or won't meet people that i ask him to meet. i mean, i can speculate all day long but nothing of the truth really comes out. at least i don't think so. i don't think i really have his heart though. y'know what i mean? a girl can always tell or almost always tell when her man loves her or just can't get over the feeling of being inlove with her. and i have my doubts. i thought it was me, at first, not letting go enough or at all even. i thought it was me. i mean.. it is me.. but i'm also the one getting in his way. this is silly. i'm tired of the thinking this through to a dead end. everything ruled by time and time frames, bits of here and there. he makes me feel like an adult at times, necessary. and if anyone's heart is headed for breaking, i just know its going to be mine (again) this time.. and so here lies resignation.
5:13 p.m. - 2003-08-13
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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