i have a kink in my neck. i think i may have developed this kink from either of the following:
a.] sleeping wrong on the couch (or the bathroom) the night of the wreckless drunken episode, or
b.] from throwing up..yes, that's right. from the sheer violence of my body's rejection and protest of the booze i shamelessly tossed back.
i'm such a wuss.
i am not a bottomless pit. with drinking i'm like toni and the subject of sex. as much as she or i talk the talk we can't really walk the walk. ah well. some part of me isn't all that ashamed about it. about the truth. also, i'm not ashamed or embarrassed that i was exposed for the novice (light-weight?) that i am in front of the newcomer. this is, for me, both strange and.. i don't know.. new. maybe i'm just getting old but i'm tired of putting up so much of a front (or for that matter, so much of a fight. i've got to be me, right? i've just got to be me..because what else is there? i've proved that i'm not the faker i thought i was)
i'm bummed. i'm spiraling into bummedness again. not depressed..exactly. that's, somehow, a deeper layer, closer to the center of something or of nothing. i'm not quite there yet. fact of the matter is that i don't think i've ever really been depressed. i mean i think i've been blue and i've been down and i've been sad. and some people may argue that its all just semantics; that depressed is just the technical term for sad or blue or down... for some reason something in me disagrees. i don't know.
meanwhile i sink s i n k sink.
and time slips s l i p s slips.
my kink, i imagine, is like that angel figure that sits to one side of me. i didn't listen. i buried her tight frame fetus-position into my neck or somewhere deeper. somewhere i knew i would not be able to reach while sober. as a reminder to myself what i said yes to and what i said no to.
man, i don't need drugs or the mind-altering skin of amphibians, man. i'm just KABLAMM! there, man.
this is an awful way to end. all Rambly McUnfocused. how can i bring this together in a light-hearted way? ah.. yes. a quiz!
What Drink Are You?
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9:02 p.m. - 2003-09-02
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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