i think i may have figured it out. me. well.. some part of me. and i have to get it out before i forget. then i guess i'll make an attempt at rehashing or moving backward through the evening's events in this last of my free summer mid-weeks.
here's what i'm calling a breakthrough: i'm not horny! i'm looking to cuddle is all, that's what's the matter. that's the reason i'm so fickle and so eager and so boy-crazy. i mean don't get me wrong i have my moments, like any red-blooded american so and so.. but on the whole i'm just sort of starved for affection from ...well from everybody. i get myself really attracted to someone (usually a friend) because friends are people you (usually) trust and get along with and care about and generally enjoy thoroughly.. the affection manifested in its physical form is simply an extension of all of that. and it doesn't necessarily have to mean that you now like this person and want to be romantically close to them. i crave the affectionate and comfortable gestures of my friends. i crave the reassurance that i can lean on them and they won't run out on me. i crave reciprocation of that affection.. they have to want not to run away when i move in and i have to just be ok with extended moments. ok with myself and ok with the other person. is this making any sense? i know it prob'ly isn't but i don't really want to go through rereading this thing.
i mean, sure it'd be nice to see if i've really got the stuff to be in a relationship, couple thing. and sure maybe i AM pushing it a little, thinking i am one of the few people on the planet that can handle a friends-with-benefits package deal.. but in the end it doesn't boil down to "scratching" that proverbial "itch".. it boils down to wanting a physical closeness that finds itself somewhere between love n' lust.
i think maybe i'm just not going to try and backtrack on tonight. i think i'm just going to cook on this idea. wake up in a few hours, do some laundry and some more cooking on the back-burners and create some time to straighten myself out even further still.
3:38 a.m. - 2003-09-18
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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