today is my mom's birthday. its sunday and she's at her job at the moment but she'll be coming off work in another three hours. my dad forgot it was her birthday.
of course he felt like an ass. and rightly so, if you ask me. just because such occassions don't happen to be a big deal to him doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way. he realizes that.. naturally. but he realizes it too late. i told him so, and other things besides, and he said, "you have a short fuse." i told him its just one of those days. and it IS.. but its also a lot of other things body-slamming into my thought process and my thoughts about my life process. bleh. its enough to turn the stomach.
and even though i remembered and went in at close to two in the morning when i got in and wished her a happy birthday in the pre-dawn dark it isn't enough if your significant other walks around distracted and dazed by some other stuff. i hate that he forgot. i just hate it that shit like this happens. it makes mom feel she isn't important or valued.. that she doesn't matter when in all truth she always matters dammit! i'm seething.
i'm supposed to be sitting here writing five pages worth of words. words that somehow point to me and what i am and what my life is and what all happened to get me to where i am. i hate doing this. i thought i could do it. i mean i honestly thought i could do it, that i could pound out at least five pages worth of something. i sat there and made eye-contact and felt sure i could crank something out. and now? and now i'm just too upset to do anything.
what do you do when you still want to be taken care of and the people you look to for that are now looking at you to take care of them? this is entirely irrational and petty and yet i still want to hurt something.. to scrape my knuckles against something.. to burn or cut.. anything so there's proof. anything.
4:58 p.m. - 2003-09-28
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