me [drunk with sleep]: you don't really love me. i don't want a hug from you..
she [?]: ..where did that come from?
and this is what i know:
i don't know myself
i don't understand myself
i don't know what to make of anything
i'm terribly alone and terribly pathetic because of it
i'm really sleepy and at a very very blank spot in moving forward in personal and public endeavors. i have no stories to tell. i have no one to tell no stories to. i have an emptiness that grows and feeds off of an unqualified, unimportant, absurd longing for--? nothing i can do or make myself. nothing i can recreate out of something, even if it be in passing. nothing. the beat bounces on without me. i am whinning. i am wondering why i cannot spell the word in its ongoing, incompleted, gerund state of being. i am unhappy and a wretch with nothing to impart. nothing to say about anything. simply nodding my head in affirmation of nothing. from nothing nothing comes in frothy foaming billowing pillows of nothing.
tonight a movie was had then lots of riding around town then lots of underlying tension then lots of things i don't understand. things i will always fail to understand. unusual things. why am i angry? this is irrational that there should be any kind of anger anywhere in, on or near me. i should be sitting here typing out how wonderful it was to be in the company of friends doing normal things. watching a movie. talking. eating. sitting. i don't really feel like i was there though. i don't really feel like i made any connections with the people i should've made connections with..... i had a question i wanted to ask and i didn't get to ask it. that's maybe the point that i started to realize just how off i was in relation to the outing and the people with whom i had my outing with.
so often, perhaps too often, i look to those points to tell me what i've said or done or failed to do of both or either.. something that offers an answer of yes or no or shut-the-hell-up-because-no-one-really-friggin-cares-because-you-are-not-smart-enough-cool-enough-bright-enough-you-don't-have-anything-new-to-bring-to-the-table.
i'm sitting here and the tele is keeping me company. it occurs to me that i hate the word television. i hate the letters that come together to abbreviate the word: tele, t.v. but it's there as white noise is there. i look over and it says to me FACE YOUR FEAR. and though a part of my brain recognizes that its a bit of a commercial slogan used to drum up an audience for amc's seven days of scary movies another part of me digests and responds to the passing statement as a direct command to me. the text is, afterall, in caps with the added effect of somehow moving closer to me from the screen's exquisite one-dimensional setting.
and now back to your regularly scheduled program? its a movie on. it's dean stockwell [of quantam leap fame] and sandra dee [of the original gidget series and bobby darin wiving fame]. its in the part of the story where the innocent girl is forced to sleep in a scary castle and have terribly psychedelically spooky dreams. very disturbing stuff happening at me. how am i ever going to get to sleep now?! when is it ever going to be the kind of sleep that does its fair share of renewal and remedy working?
more.
in the air: bit of moisture, thickening nicely and the mumbling teevee
last thoughts n' fillins: a q-tip would be good about now.
3:17 a.m. - 2003-10-29
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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