t and i were talking and the above quotation comes from her. she also said, after listening to me make every effort to maintain: "aww, Stella, you need to get your groove back.." i laughed because the comment --on top of being addressed as the character from that movie about the consequences of robbing the cradle-- caught me off guard. naturally, i still feel a little off but i am determined to conquer this craziness and become, as it were, comfortably numb. who sung that song? what band..? gah! what does it even sound like? i don't know. pink floyd? hmm. yes i'm going to go with pink floyd as my final answer.
today was not such a bad day to begin with. i didn't want to get up, of course, but i'm sure ma didn't want to get up a clear two hours before she had to be to work. so i could complain (about a lot) but what for..? and if there's no point to it but being heard then nevermind. i don't want to be heard if all i ever have to say is just some variation of "wah wah wah".
yes. this is good. i am not feeling as 'raw' as i was the other day. this is good, this is improvements all over town for me. or was that trouble yesteredays trouble? the hours are as years to me here. if i tell myself i am not going to dwell then i am not going to dwell, and that is all.
so yes, so men settle for the women they're with and women fall in love. is this truly so? i think it is. i mean i'm sure that the reverse can and is true for other women and other men, certainly. but in the very teaspoon-sized ecosystem that i often imagine my mind and feelings and foresight wriggle in i do believe it.
this, to my mind, is why so many men cheat. well ok let's backtrack a little i suppose. ok there IS that whole biology thing that comes into play. that primitive sense in both males and females of the speceis that is constantly looking for the strongest, smartest and best looking mate. ok. yea. fine. i get that. fine. great. fine. in nature there's really nothing personal about getting together it's all about the business of survival ((aww how sweet. even that, though, if you think on it is nice. there is a struggle there, at the foundation of it all.. a struggle to exist, to liVE!!))
where was i again? oh yes.. nothing personal. right. so getting together, at its natural indifferent source, is all about flings. nature is a fling. nature is one fling after another. nature is a whore unto itself. the snake swallowing its tail.
so.. um. how much progress here? hmmmm. ok so now i think i can actually pull back a little. widen the frame. expand the numbers, fatten them well past their ones and their zeros. in the satement, the quote as commonly accepted truth, the men and women might well be interchangable because what we're really dealing with is the one who loves and the one who IS beloved. positive versus negative; strong versus weak; up versus down; top versus bottom [knuckle versus--? cupping palm?]
because lets face it, it really isn't always true about the guy being the one who can "take it or leave it"; it isn't really always the guy who can walk away unscathed and unscorning and unbitter. it isn't always the man who posseses the capacity to forgive the imperfections of his partner.
maybe, for my own purposes, the statement should read: "it is a certain type of woman that settles for the man she is with," or, "it says something about a man who does not merely love the one he's with but is truly WITH the one he loves; has loved; is loving; will love.." and so on and so on and so.
you may ask what brought this on. well, nothing really.. nothing and no one in particular. its just been on my mind. and today i saw a very young man busy with afixing an address onto a flat parcel piece. wonder what he was up to. he had a gorgeous facial profile. i knew i wanted to watch him and the way he moved and i wanted to remember it so i could use it somewhere. he caught my eye because he was intent on what he was doing. he was doing something.. with his hands. he was writing. then i thought i might want to examine what i thought was attractive about him. and when i say attractive i don't mean that he was the kind that you looked at and became instantaneously wet and ready. because even though he could be that thing, that stimulant for either girl or boy, he was not that for me. girl or boy. he was attractive because of the way he moved when he walked. because his skin had a healthy glow even as his face wore something of a cross between a scowl and a thoughtful rumination. he was attractive because of the choices he made today. in clothes, in the amount of books and paper that went into his bookbag so as not to be too much of a hassle, a protrusion. he was attractive because he looked like the kind of guy who would smile, even if it were just in the act of being fake and nice and nice and fake, and launch you into the heavens with his easy-going charm.
he's what brought it on. he is.
in the air: the clacking of other people typing (faster than me, of course) and the intermittent conversations (with voices that sound like cotton balls are catching the sound before they hit your eardrum)
thoughts: see the rant above or i could just fall asleep here. hell, if i can type with my eyes closed.. think how else can i take over the world.
11:29 a.m. - 2003-10-30
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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