you were kissing my arm, your head in my lap. i couldn't believe you then because you were warm and knew it. you were touching my arm and i wanted to give in. it took every fiber of every muscle of everything inside me to act like i was in control of me. i am a beast and i couldn't believe what was happening. i wanted nothing more than to give in. but i was driving and it was dangerous, i took the turns slowly after giving you warnings because you could not have seen what the road was doing. i missed you a great deal but nothing could have prepared me. i want to keep it to myself but i'm worried that my wanting to keep it to myself means something more than it really was or is. its difficult and it isn't. its something of a challenge to register the words combined with the actions. its especially difficult for me because i believe you and in you. i believe everything and its almost too much. the teetering tottering feeling had worn away and i was myself again. you were closer than.. i never thought.. we said things. you in your state and i in mine and i told mysef i would have regrets in the cold, garish light of the day after. i felt regret and doubt. an ill-at-ease haze settled over me, weighing my eye-lids down, trapping my words. but it doesn't take many words, after all, to ask for what you really want. i was sitting there already weighing the consequences and trying to see into far into the future. but with you there, touching me lightly, pressing me here, going over your own words again and again you traced patterns that are only real when your not yourself; with you letting my hands come to rest on your face, your chest, your shoulder; you, letting me touch you, lean on you, easily and without the tension of nervousness or fear i was myself, safe in the home of something sweet and lasting. the truth is that i did want to kiss you. i have wanted to in the past. the truth is that i look for you sometimes and i want you to look for me. the truth is that i am thrilled when i see you, when i'm sitting next to you, when i'm in the same room, house, city. the truth is that i understand myself less when i don't hear from you. the truth is that i more than love you. the truth is that i don't have to be something else to know that feeling is always with me, to say them to myself like prayers to ward off the everyday fear and doubt and loneliness. it extends outward. and because i feel for you i understand you. it wasn't anything i had to learn to do. yet it wasn't something i could see before it came to me. i missed you a great deal but nothing could have prepared me. i could not have known it could happen again, surprised and grateful for this wave of feeling. if you want to break my heart at all.. now's the time to do it.
12:04 p.m. - 2003-11-01
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure