the original entry, of the same title, was lost to me yesterday evening.. or maybe it was yesterday afternoon. i went on and on for awhile about one thing or another and extending some metaphor i had going about andy (the former) and the wife character in that movie what dreams may come starring robin williams and cuba gooding junior. something having to do with a scene i seem to remember wherein the wife has either killed herself or "killed" herself and now lives in the broken remanants of a home somewhere in hell --or maybe it was just "hell"
i think i started to make some sort of connection between the triangulaic (or maybe its more trapazoidal) situation between [j] and [myself] and [a]. and why [a] can't let go. the whole thing, in my opinion, is not healthy.. not in the least. but it isn't up to [j] or [myself] to "fix" whatever has been wrong with [a]. yea.
anyway this all comes about because [a] sent [j] and [i] happy birthday email wishes and i emailed back with a couple of lines of thanks for the thought and condolences about his terrible times. at the same time keeping my distance. why? why did i send word? well i don't know.. i suppose because that part of me that was still hanging on to memories and all of those things that keep people attached has finally been severed and i guess i now sort of feel bad and sorry for him. he has, in the past, been known to take things badly.. very badly indeed. the thing is that i really don't think he has it in him to get over any of the losses he's had in his life. some people just aren't equipped; the hurt is too much and self-destruction simply completes the equation for them.
because i can see him now for what he really is and what he was i can also now see what i was and what part of me then has remained. i can see that i was and have been the kind of person that has wanted to win and wanted to be right. and that that want was so great that it made me think my being "heart-broken" was maybe more a matter of ego than of any real sense of heartbreak.
the most recent situation with [t] and [o] proves the same thing and that i'm still going to have to work on that part of me that wants to 'get the guy' in the end. because when [t] first admitted the feelings she had developed for [o] it was during a time that i, myself was not done entertaining myself with the possiblity of actions. it was a time when i, myself had not done with the pleasant ideas i had of him. when i, myself, did not yet want to step aside (even though i would do so before i was ready to --step aside, that is) i found that i still wanted a chance to mean something more to him.
of course that sort of, for me, begs the question:
and when people like [j] and [d] put that very question to me, my answer was invariably the same. i would say, "i think i could do him some good. i think i could help him be that person that only a few people see a glimmer of.. that person that he could be"
but that was then. things are much diff'rent now and i'm glad that they are.
and sure, that's all well and good but.. c'mon, that's not what i'm really looking for. light'ning, and by extension love, is more than simply 'helping' somebody out. that whole relationship racket is a whole heck-of-a lot more than just being someone's muse.. being the inspiration for someone to be a better man... right?
i think so.
in the meantime i think i'm through with trying so hard to win someone over. what for? people either like you or they don't, y'know? and if its something that comes from that other person, something 'organic' and 'intrinsic' to that person to be drawn to you ..well then that's a gift. and i send my thanks to the bar-keep.
more on all this other stuff later. when i can get my head straight. when i can get myself in order.
'til then.. i'm going to be treating my head and chest cold with the utmost care... or something.
in the air: harold lloyd and the film, "The Cat's Paw" on tcm in the next room.
on the brain: latin exercises to be done; present making; sketching; that curious pressing need to really be relieved.
1:18 p.m. - 2003-12-10
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure