hi.
yes. hi, page. or should i call you "page". ok, yea. i'm over it.
ok, here it is. i have far too many friends and stories/moments of my own, for that matter, that hinge around being stuck on someone. i mean.. because that's the way it is. there is always the one who loves and the one who is being loved. that's the way it works.. for the most part. i have been that way and since people are constantly surrounding themselves with the familiar, i know for a fact that some of my closest friends have had to go through a lot of self-imposed and enforced craziness.
i know. i know what you're thinking. "what?" yea. i'm just saying, being stuck [in other words: the one doing the loving as opposed to the one receiving the loving] is really awful. i mean, not that its the lowest feeling a person can feel, certainly not. but its very difficult to get around.
i have a friend... let's call her lucinda. lucinda has these deep feelings for one of her guy friends. from my point of view, from my very biased point of view, she is the one doing the loving. and the bumbling, unsophisticated, still-trying-to-find-himself-and-running-out-of-time person being loved (unbeknownst to him) is this guy.. we'll call him grant.
ok. so lucinda and grant are friends. lucinda is experiencing (and has been for some time now) what is commonly referred to as.... c'mon, say it with me, "unrequited love" (that's it) or affection or whatever you want to call it.
ok. so nevermind all the grease.. this is a story we are all somewhat familiar with anyway. ok. so longest story of your life put shortly.. the struggle to be loved and the need to be held up as someone significant are things that cannot and should not be overlooked but very often is.
have you ever had these hurt and defeated feelings when someone comes in and gets in the way of your... light--? that's what happened tonight.. earlier tonight at dinner.
i mean, have you ever been so hurt that you don't know what to do with your arms? that you don't know where to put your gaze? that you come off as looking tired or worn or listless? well.. that's what lucinda was like. a little girl pouting, or so it seemed. truth be told its much more complicated and adult than all of that.
this entry is so fantastically confusing at the moment but i must keep pushing forward. even i can't seem to gather my thoughts. originally i was going to sit and write a letter of explanation to a friend.. in order to make him understand that the reason i didn't tell him i had a thing for him while i was foot-loose and fancy-free [e.g. not with the sweet, gentle breeze i am currently with] is because i didn't/don't want him to think that the reason i was telling was because i wanted to get something out of it more than the action of admitting i liked him that way.
too many people in the world do that sort of thing and it bothers me. too many people assume that because something is "brought up" or out into the open that its automatically some kind of yes or no situation. some kind of you-are-now-going-to-fulfill-my-every-wish situation.
case in point: some people think, "if he/she admits or confesses having a romantic affection that means he/she wants something out of it. he/she must either say, 'yes, that sounds appealing' or 'good lord, no. whatever made you think something like that'... do you know what i'm saying?
aww, nuts to you! i know i'm not making much sense here. and really part of the problem is that i want ever so desperately to sort through the refuse for that single piece of treasure.
but none of it works. i speak in euphamisms (sp?).. and poorly constructed ones at that.
in the air?:whirring and clacking and clacking and whirring. the tiredness is turning me into one giant sac of sleep. bleh. i'll update more on the newest and sweetest boy/man in my collection of desirable unattainables. gah! that sounds terrifically terrible!! although this time seems bearable.. this time around the block seems like something much more than simply a ride around the block.
oh snap! i have to get up in two hours!! help!
mini meta-reflection of the above material: "what the f---?!" i'm sorry. i make absolutely no sense out here. lucinda and grant is not a situation based in the author, here. lucinda and grant are actual people with actual names underneath all this garbage. i mean, what i'm saying is.. lucinda is not myself. not in the least. no. and this new thing that has developed with me and this man o' mine really requires an actual "serial" form of entry postings. yea, and i'll title them things like, "the chronicles of yes-for-no" or something indistinguishable like so.
help
1:43 a.m. - 2004-01-15
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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