i should really be sleeping or trying to sleep or getting to the point where i could attempt sleeping.. the thought of it.
home now from another date/outing with the boy. the bf. bf? what the hell? like, biff? like biff lowman? was that even the way the dang name in the dang play was spelled? good grief i'm in a funk.
its weird and awful where i am and what i am.. the title i bear.. but it seems worthwhile somehow in some inesplicable way.
ok.. yea. here it is. i think way too much about this. about what i'm going to do next or what i'm not going to do next or what i think i should do but won't.. i'm being ridiculous. he's a good guy. he's a wonderful guy. its stupid of me to be this stuck. but there you have it. there i am. squirming and dying in the quick sand.
i was having a conversation with my ma about whatever the trouble is.. if there even actually IS any real trouble--which, of course, i know and you know the answer to that is.. anyway it was a good conversation.
ma: so how's your love life?
me: (a beat. a deep breath)if there IS anything the matter its me. i bring the trouble(s).. me.
here i'm thinking this is more of an admission of guilt. and for the most part its unmistakable on me. like a newly stained shirt.
so that's it. i bring the troubles, the annoying and "silly" questions. i plant the seeds of destruction into his already cluttered mind.
but this is not at all what i want, this over-thinking, this paranoia. this is not at all what i'm in this to be. and i'm sitting here thinking, "how do i get back to that first night? how do live inside that first night?! there's got to be a way back to that.."
i mean, that night at the Red Fox, when we came together.. when he slid his arm around me the third time.. when he slid his arm around me and gave a little tug at my side and i knew instantly that play time was over.. and when i leaned into him and against him when he touched his nose to my shoulder it was all because it felt right. it felt right to trust him and be close and to exchange that kind of affection. it was such a lovely, lovely, gorgeous night.. it was that feeling of being able to stretch out and not worry and it made sense and it didn't and it felt good and comfortable and not difficult. it felt sane and a comfort. like i could breath better because someone opened a window and a gust of fresh air came to clean me up. a gust of welcomed softness came washing in.
me: its that delicate balance i'm worried about. that delicate balance between how to share myself with this man and how to keep myself the person i am.
because i worry about being consumed. i worry because i have the tendency to become willing and a pushover because why make it so hard? when it really doesn't have to be.. why make it a pissing contest when i know i don't have range. why?!?!?!?!!
grrrr. i'd better get going.. or i'll miss that matinee at ye olde eye-lid theater.
perhaps i'll dream myself up a solution to this cock-eyed drama. in the meantime.. i should leave off (as if it really matters how i leave off) by saying that he's a sweet and mostly misunderstood creature.. like all of us ultimately are. he and i are something of an odd couple (no laugh-track intended).. he puzzles me in ways i'm not yet able to put into words. he won me over once, and tremendously (without knowing he did).. he's growing on me and i'm afraid about what that will come to mean because i don't want to fuck it up by not being enough of something whilst being too much of something else. how does this happen to people? how does this kind of thing happen to people?!
good greivous night!
in the air: my funny valentine
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11:10 p.m. - 2004-01-26
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
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newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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