i am walking around on dangerous and foreign ground. i am stomping around in giant, steel-toe, ass-kicking boots. i am merciless and i've planted seeds of destruction. .....but then again, i guess that last part is just a given--both for the situation at hand and for me, personally.. like my own personal standard or record, as it were.
what exactly the matter is has to do with something i said to [r] tonight at dinner. and i quote, "so what do you think our downfall will be?"
why i asked this thing, i don't know. i wasn't thinking (or i was) and before i knew it the thing had just tumbled out in a gorgeous, raucous mess in front of me.. in front of him.
ok. when i started this entry things were still fresh in my mind and troubles were still rolling around like a stubborn piece of hard candy that you can't really stand but you can't spit out either. we talked. a little.
i don't know what it is in me that makes me do and say these things that i do and say. i guess i'm just a maniac. no.. and that isn't it either. i'm too textbook to be maniacal (sp?)
i mean.. i'm obviously trying to right some of the wrongs in my past. i'm trying to brace myself for something that hasn't or might not happen (at least not in the same way... not yet.) i'm trying to stop myself from "falling for [him]" too quickly and too disproportionately. in other words, i don't want to like him more than he likes me. because i've already done that kind of thing and i hate being the one worse off.. the one who has more shit to lose.. the one left behind.. the weakling who can't get herself together..
more later.. more to work through. the muck of reality checking.
in the meantime i hate myself and i hate what i'm doing and what i'm not doing and what i'm not seeing or responding to. i hate that this isn't that difficult.. not as difficult as i'm making it and i still can't situate myself. how do i give without becoming hollow? it comes easy enough for me with friends.. why can't i do this right?
i want to crush the killing world between my fingers.
12:21 a.m. - 2004-01-26
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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