overall, i'd say today was a good day. i woke up slightly after eight, looked at the time and thought, "yep, four hours sleep. that sounds about right"
started the day at kind of a crawl. sort of warm in the center, knowing that i'd be seeing everybody at the altamont derilo haus. knowing that good times were waiting to be taken up. although i WAS anticipating the not-so pleasant feeling of having to cut myself off from the time i WOULD get to spend there.. being that i have these family obligations/responsibilities as the occassional mother taxi. that is, my mom doesn't drive so i have to play chaueffer more times than not.
so ok. bleh. i gave the gathered group the heads up. i hated having to do so.. to go. i always hate going. but it always seems like i always have to go. dispicable.
why can't sunday-brunch days stretch out farther than water and cover over everything
why can't we just loaf. no. something has always got to be done
in any case, [r] was being an enormous brat. well.. not so much enormous or bratty really as your more than average distracted?.. or bossy? (as per usual.. but i guess it takes one to know one).. or i don't know. i can't really come up with the right kind of adjective right now. i guess i'm just saying that i didn't feel like we were connecting like i had hoped we could. this is only important to the slight emotional roller coaster i went through a couple hours or so from that point though.
i'm really concerned by this, naturally, because he and i don't really know how to function ..as a unit (as the unit we're supposed to be) around other people. i mean i suppose that to a certain degree, we are ourselves still trying to adjust to each other and our often careless speech or attitude or vibe (for lack of a brighter word)
so i suppose that on top of not being able to "read each other" completely, just yet, we are thrown into social situations that force us to assume our parts while at the same time worrying over (well, this is actually more me than him i think) the kind of unit impression we're making on others.
did any of that make sense?
ultimately i think it will be ok. if i work on being less of a loud-mouth.. trying to portray the picture of comfort and ease and "hey look at me in a relationship now and look how happy i can be for real!" because that kind of thing just gets me all jumbled and queasy. because i mean, echk, right?! echk. because really, who wants to be around the over-animated, neurotic spaz.
no one, that's who. no one should have to want to be around the spaz.
and in other news: sex. otherwise known as: ye olde IN-OUT. sex is very distracting and i have a lot to learn about control and tension and technique. it'll take me years to perfect anything by this silly trial and error method. but, oh, what fun..
oh but i have to stop wanting everything all at once like i do. i know it. i'm weak and emotional.
case in point. [r] and i ...fought crime... *wink* *wink* *knudge* *knudge* and originally i had, in my mind.. on the way to his place, imagined/hoped/longed to get it down, dirty, rough and quick. just because. maybe even just to get it out of the way.. the first round of it i mean. because lets face it people. i've had a taste and now i'm mad for it. just stark staring mad for the grunt, grunt, wet, gasp, pant, push, slide, hard soft curve glide slam stuff. i love it. its great. there's something about his touch. its dirty and ugly and then again not because it feels right there right there right there.
and the thing is that i don't think i can have enough of it. i feel some part of me has this quaking dark pit of insatiable hunger disguised as a harmless dimple just south of my middle.
i'm saying all of this because i wanted more and it was clear that [r]'s body was with me that first go but that all essential he was not. it was upsetting. after, i dressed quickly and quietly because i'd given him a back rub (upon request) and i felt as though i had waited, naked pert dry, and ultimately in vain for the promised round two.
then...
[r]: "why are you looking like i just kicked you out?"
me: "...because i thought you wanted to go 'do something'. that's what you want isn't it, to 'do something'...so let's go"
[still me but in my head]: we're done here aren't we? or you're done here now so we can go out and find something to eat. what's the use in me holding you up when you've obviously got a plan and i don't. never do. never have. can't trust me because i haven't got my shit together enough.
sure all i wanted was some time to lay here.. with you.. with YOU!!!! not the person who usually pays for our outings or plans our trips with maps and notes or calls me as soon as he's done with his various errands and work-out regimen and checking his watch and ragged because of it. i wanted YOU!! the man who looked like such a boy with the side of his face mashed into the pillow talking wistfully and wishfully about valentines in vegas that second date after we were official and i let you feel me up all night.. YOU!! I wanted the person i stood next to in the freezing cold talking about being lonesome for family or friends that have drifted. YOU! the friend with compassion and vulnerability splayed out when i didn't even ask for it that time you caught up to me and made me answer up for my stupid moody bullshit.
i just wanted to lay there a little longer with that person i thought you were then and believe you are now.. somewhere beneath the crappy insecurities. all i wanted was to have you need me back. me! timid, stupid, careless, late-bloomer, moody, confused, husky, push-over me i wanted the quiet unruffled center of our storm and you wouldn't let me have it. you wanted out. and in answer to your question.. no, there's nothing wrong with wanting to 'do something'.. but there is something wrong in not understanding that i thought we WERE doing something.
i'm dumb. i'm dumb because i want(ed) everything. sitting there in the getting-dark watching TeeVee talk about warriors and ways.. i wanted you. in every part and piece. every inch of every square of skin. i wanted you to understand that i wanted you and i wanted everything and i was here. i mean.. that's all anybody ever wants.
...and when you and i went in for another throw.. i knew it would be right again. i knew it by the way my shoulder felt under your fingers pushing back my over-shirt. after, i was sated. you made me warm and you made me smile and you made me stretch and you made me sore. and i'm amazed by our bodies, enthralled by the thickness you keep between your legs. and i watched you through a veil of my own hair and i came. i came and i wanted to keep coming with no ends or clocks or clothes or mornings to sop up our holy soaking spots. i pushed and drove and wanted more and more and more.. until oh, the glory of sleep like magic comes to turn out the lights and draw up the covers. glorious aching thick liquid sleep.
~
9:26 p.m. - 2004-02-29
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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