five (in-the-theater) movies i've recently seen and are therefore still somewhat on the brain, in descending order:
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
dawn of the dead
secret window
japanese story
i don't know why i felt compelled to do that. just as i don't know why i felt compelled to organize my movie stubs by date. maybe i'm slowly reacting to having signed on for the punishment of the upcoming novella class. and perhaps with the exception of d.o.d and secret window i want to see those stories again. i want to own and know them intimately.. the stories i mean. i know. cheeseball.
in other news:
i'm hungry. i'm going to start eating salads more. i need more ruffage. more cesar salad-esque type things. or i don't know. i suppose meat isn't essential. hell, i'm just glad i'm not hung over and nauseas.. as was the case only too recently. echk. i hate nausea as i hate repetition and i just used the word recently for the zillionth time. or maybe it just feels like this.
last night, out with [r]. two movies in one night.. not my doing of course. i'm just a go-alonger anyway. and yes i'm sure there is an actual word for that kind of thing/person.. that quality in a person which makes them.. oh wait. the word is pushover. oh bleh. i was so trying not to go there (again).. but danggit it just never ceases to be an issue with me.
well in any case and where was i...?... ah yes, last night's evening out. well you see, it's like this.. he was looking forward to seeing that movie (so we agreed beforehand on a matinee showing since i'm now on break from the scholastic events of my life) and i was looking forward to being in his company (i fucking hate zombies. i fear them. i can never get far enough away from them) and so fine. i'm a wuss but not that big of a wuss and besides that i was curious.. even though i still hadn't seen the original piece which was really kind of a stick in my side.
so the movie ends and since we are in the same mall/area as the place we had already talked about eating dinner at (that is, onami.. mainly because we both had the same idea for it earlier) and since, also, we aren't hungry we decide to walk around and window shop. so we do.
so he says something like, "so you wanta watch eternal sunshine...? i mean i don't know about you.. i mean you're prob'ly not up to it but i could watch movies back to back. i have before.." and so somewhere in the back of me i'm thinking, who are you talking to?! for cryin out loud, man, think of who you're talking to!! i could watch movies 'til the cows come home, die off, and come back again!
or whatever that means.
so.. after eating we relocate and end up watching eternal sunshine at regal in chulavista. man, did i ever feel like a roaming focus group test audience. hah!
in the middle of that though there was a fight. there was a fight because he was being weird and i didn't come right out and say, "hey, you're being weird. stop it or talk to me." yea. so instead i reacted, like i will. i'm emotional, what can i say? that's what i do. so the argument escalated from something small to something enormous because he shoved me or tapped me or what-have-you.. right in the breast! and in public! what the hell?!
needless to say i was very irate.
very VERY irate.
he was angry and couldn't really articulate and i cornered him and he lashed out. it happens. i have a pattern. i'm not excusing his behavior, don't get me wrong. and he knows how wrong he was. i let him know that if i were his guy friend and he did that to me that would've been cause for a beat down. because i'm who i am to him that action was cause for something worse. i don't know. i was a jumble of fury. he continued to piss me off and i continued to make him feel like a miserably inadequate person. i was sorry. i was angry and i was sorry. he was angry and he was sorry. i mean, we eventually made up about it. the storm came and went between us and we.. well me more than he.. watched the movie.
i'm not the type of person, anymore so much, to let things run on into who knows what and how long. we hurt each other a lot last night. but that ended last night. today is a fresh page. and i know some things about him.. know where it hurts. and that's unfair because he's just hitting out in the dark with me. he said that he always felt like he was doing too little and i was doing too much in this relationship. that's something i want to revisit sometime. in any case, i told him i needed to reevaluate things on my end. he got nervous. i can't help that. i DO need to reevaluate. i need to reinforce myself, regain myself, remind myself. so i'm taking a break from him on sunday and i'm also taking a break from the whole sex thing.
we had the abortion talk last night.
i talked A LOT about everything last night. but then again.. talking a lot doesn't necessarily mean we're communicating. it just means i had an episode.. a new kind. and this should really be something i can use to help me figure things out.. but i'm worried it won't and i'll just remain stuck on flypaper, where freedom means i'll be pulled apart.
12:15 p.m. - 2004-03-20
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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