i can't believe this.
we've had another quite upsetting go at it, he and i. i was, this time, inappropriately secretive and he over-reacted. he was merciless and yelled his profane curses into the air between us.
we were headed for seaport village to hang out. "enjoy" the day. instead i was in puddles of running snot and tears. and he was tapping his fingers in a kind of controlled frenzy of impatience and perturbedness.
i couldn't stop crying. to make things even more stilted, i kept getting calls. first from my mom trying to make sure i was going to be able to retrieve her from work then from dom. god, i just couldn't stop myself from bursting into this miserable wreck. he was there, confused, he said, and unable to take the issues. i braced myself to hear him say that we should end it/us. i kept trying to make myself ready to hear the words, "i give up."
afterward i was all opened wound and gushing nothing. i mean that i felt as though something enormous and important happened and i was still in my pajamas.. part of me so unready and ill, slow and heavy, asleep or dead or dumb.
there was a kind of tension on my way to drop him off. and i'm supposed to meet him at his place at six.
my head hurts something terrible. it feels like i've got a two-ton weight sitting somewhere at the back and the base of my head. i want to jump off of something high. that's where i'm at right now.
so much for thinking of today as that "fresh page". its just another pile of hours to be tense and hateful, mean and spiteful, double-talky and on-guard.
i think he thinks i'm being dishonest or not open enough. my god he doesn't even know the half of it.
he said so many things that hurt. he doesn't understand me and i don't know what to say to him. but i did know something was wrong with us. and if he knew or read what i just now said, he'd say something like the only reason why something/anything could be wrong is because i always think there is something there. as though trouble were solely attached to me; as though i inveted trouble.
i feel that i am always to blame. that i'm too flexible where i need to be inflexible. that i'm not secure enough.. in general. he wants to change that.. he wants to be able to know what to do with it. i'm sure it must be frustrating to him.
i just don't know what to do. who am i supposed to be? i'm messed up.. i'm hypocritical. i'm obsessive. i'm angry and my shoulder is chipped from looking on at others who seem to have what i can only long for and talk about.
what do i do?! i'm scared of him again. i'm scared to say the wrong thing. i'm so troubled by this.. and this thing is occupying all of my faculties of feeling and thought. what do i do what do i do what do i do.
he thinks i'm a quitter. that i'll run whenever there's trouble. he thinks i'm a coward weakling and i can't say anything to that because he may well be right. what do i do. i don't want to keep feeling this miserable. i want him to finally understand me, what he needs to be. but if i can't even be clear. if i can't even say it.. then he can't squeeze it out of me.
i'm going now. i've got to get it together. i've got to muster up a modicum of courage here.
what do i do now~
4:25 p.m. - 2004-03-20
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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