came back from the l.a. wedding last night at around midnight or one.
all in all it was a nice trip. it was eventful. fun at times. at other times i felt myself not really belonging and then something else would bring me back. the sound of something or someone addressing me or a thought that would occur. but i could definitely feel myself sort of warping in and out of my dual multi personalities/identities. its odd, to say the least.
to say the most.. well it was--
i can't think. i've got a load of wash downstairs and i'm wondering, because i forgot to look, at what time i should check on it again. distraction.
so [rb] performed the ceremony or technically speaking, the solemnizing (pronounced, i had no idea, as psalm-en-izing). it was great. he was a little nervous at first, especially because he has trouble seeing and hearing and because i mean c'mon you'd be nervous too if you had to participate in a ceremony fraught with that kind of symbolism. its as if messing up the ritual in a thing like this might be some kind of bad omen or something. i mean we all sort of know that in a case like this you want to give a person a good enough send off. well.. better than a "good enough" send off. so it was a lot of fun.
of course [beba] and i teared up. its a wedding for crime's sake what do you expect. i mean, it doesn't matter how big i talk about making certain decisions.. like not getting married. its still the purity of an idea behind the ceremony/ritual/symbol that draws those emotions out. i mean for goodness sake its two people professing their love and life to one another in front of all that family and under the heavens... its brave and honest and meaningful and (we'd all like to believe) carries with it a sense of hope and truth and beauty. the joining of these two people for better or worse, for sorrow and joy, man.. its just.. its so beeeee-uuuuu-teeee-fuuuuull.
i'm so cheese-tastic i'm goo.
my back hurts and i've got to go attend to my wash. so i'm off.. not enough sleep of course and delirious as per usual.
i should check on [t]. i'm worried, of course.. but at the same time i also feel wrong for worrying so much. y'know? i want her to be ok. i want things with the boys to be ok. i want her situation to be uplifted or at the very least changed for some sort of good.. but i sometimes also think this whole thing, this whole part of her life is like a waiting room. there have been so many stops and starts, it seems.. or maybe i merely imagine it as such. i can see her, though, stepping through a portal to the next phase. i don't know whether that just means law school or law school and relationships (yes.. the plural kind).
i think about her and i think about [jhr] and i think about the others and about whether or not i've failed them as a person or no. and i've really no right to think these things. i mean, we are what we are to one another.. a teacher, friend, love, mentor, soul-mate that arrived for good reason. that seemed dropped into our lives for a definite purpose.
i'm getting too lofty. it makes me sick when i get like this. literally, sick. my eyes sting and i become aware that my joints are tight. my butt goes numb and my neck is tense. that's what's real and should be the only thing i count on.
but none of it stops the stream of steady doubt, pouring in like storms or--?
07:38 - Monday, Apr. 19, 2004
Recent entries:
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