i drove home tonight, from his place, and i couldn't see the cars in front of me. i was drowning, or i am. how do i stop this thing? how do i stop hurting. what words are the right ones.
i feel miserable or heartbroken or crazy. i feel more alone now than i was at the start, when i was me --on my own-- bitter and angry and safe because i knew what to expect of me.
its true that i'm afraid of him. i'm scared of what that means that i'm afraid to say or do the wrong thing.
above all that i'm tired. i'm so tired inside.. tired of trying to be good and straight and available. its as though i'm running on empty. its as though i'm running toward something in the dark. the pitch black dark.
he's a brick and i'm drowning.. slowly.
song lyrics. i feel like the person i really am has taken leave of me, sitting here in despair. i feel like i'm always having an out of body experience. i'm not myself. i know myself and i'm not myself i'm an imposter of myself and its killing me. how did i get into this thing? how could i have let this thing go so wrong?
i'm such a fuckup. its so much work. and i can't remember why i wanted it so badly in the first place. i just want to crawl into a hole and forget this hurt.. this newly self-inflicted hurt.. i want to forget. i want to drown. i long to breath again.
he never really wanted me. he wanted someone with breasts and softness to keep the lonliness away. he never wanted me. i'm a fuckup a pushover a reject.
god. this hasn't happened to me in so long. i haven't lashed out in so long. it hurts but its familiar. warm, i'm home to myself this way. alone.
and i keep on doing it.
for, afterall, i'm nothing really. there's nothing to me. i'm just another nobody. just some no body. warm because i'm alive, that's all.
in his arms.. held.. i lose myself. drifting on clouds of faint feeling. i have no self. collecting and negotiating over--?
i am nothing and no one. i could be any one. my name could be lisa or michelle or irene or brandy or alicia.. i could be a strawberry blonde or true brunette. i could be newly graduated and working as a salesgirl or running a shop downtown. i could be a 32b cup and a size 2 waist. i could have my own place and could have had experience with four other partners under my belt. i could like the music you like. i could believe in marriage and that flowers and candy will fix everything. i could do something that matters. i could make you my center. i could be more open and less jealous.
i could be.. or could i be? not myself and still misunderstand you or me or what of me i don't see in you.
or i could see you... or i could walk away.
23:36 - Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004
Recent entries:
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newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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