i am here because i cannot be there.
and.. as per the request of the readership, here is something having nothing to do with the fasting of those days which are gone.
but first a mini-disclaimer: i cannot insure (sp?) or guarantee this entry will be as brilliant or as snappy as the last. after all, i was fasting. something pure fire comes from hunger. that much i know. so, here, all i can attempt is shadows and unrelated squealing.
[r] comes home sooner than he said or thought. this is something to celebrate being that he'll be back in town (why did i say home before?) a full week before he even thought.
school. well.. we won't talk about the petty one-two-threes of the thing.
as soon as i finish this entry i'm going straight to the work that i have to turn in tomorrow so i don't have to panic so much about it.
what about today? hmm, what about today. well, i covered a double today. so that's six hours (or technically just under that) of driving from north parking to the geisel library. by the way why is geisel pronounced GUY-zel and my teacher's last name goldstein pronounced gold-STEEN. huh? why? is it for the same reason that food is not pronounced the same as good? think about it when you think about it.
so today, this morning, some time around seven (the time i'm --northparking 2-- is supposed to be online and shuttling a whole three people at a time from one place to the next) i'm reading at the library stop because i'm thinking who the hell comes to school at this time AND i'm north parking TWO so naturally this implies, to the rest of the non-ucsd-shuttle-driving world, there is a north parking ONE. so i'm taking my time as i've been told "relax, don't sweat it.." or "no one cares. seriously, no one cares." so for once i say, fine. and let the worry slide right off my back, quite ducky if you ask me.
so then fate or whatever grand and omniscient force chooses now, when i've let my guard down, to be... oh, fate-like. so, the daytime supervisor transmits over the radio telling me that i should stay on the regular time schedule because north 1 is still 10-19 (at base.. has not left yet, basically). ok. now i feel like a dumbass. but alright, so i am, a dumbass. i can handle that much, its seven in the bloody morning. i am a dumbass and, presumably, some one of the passengers --no doubt as disgruntled or displeased as this part of the world can afford to be-- has called to inform shuttle operations that i am not doing my job. ok. fine.. sticks and stones and balled fists of semantic over-load. i don't mind much. i've just been told is all and i've simply got to face the music.. and my ego should just deal. i can handle it. just maintain, i tell myself. a few deep breaths and i'm back to the pathetic rhythm of my life. but nothing is fair. if you decide your having a parade, its nearly always guaranteed someone out in the world NEEDS to shit on said parade.
and frankly, i wasn't even having a full blown parade going, per se. it was more like uh.. someone was making a list of people that might want to be in the parade. good god where have i gone with this analogy?! ah hell.. back to the sketch pad then.
so ok. so i pull up to the stop at the parking lot and there are three or four people there. the first man walks on, giant smile --of the pleased-with-myself variety-- is smeared across his face. he holds a notebook in his hand and a phone in the other. these are the words we exchange.
him: what'd you do? get in an accident? where were you?! [smile, smile, smile --to indicate that i am a complete and utter jackass]
me: [deadpan serious] no.
next guy climbs aboard and so its the general concensus that i have failed at the easiest you-could-train-a-chimp-to-do-the-job-better task. ok.. certainly. my mistake, pal. the next gentleman, the older one behind the tall young phone weilding man follows up with something to the effect: you fell asleep? (aww) you were taking your beauty sleep?
i say: no, i haven't driven this route in quite some time, gentlemen, sorry for the delay.
in my head i'm wringing their fucking necks.
from this job i have learned:
-->when a service is being offered, free of charge, try not to be a self-righteous fuckface, lest the one doing the serving should snap while you are sitting there calmly and pompously entrusting your life and well-being in his/her hands. assholes.
-->if you feel like a grunt, you get treated like a grunt.
-->everyone, and i mean everyone, jumps to conclusions. be original and alert. you fucking predictable ass drones!
wow. i am/was angrier than i thought. maybe i should've just saved myself the trouble of storing such anger. maybe i should just let myself-- nah. i've hit too many walls and hard surfaces in my lifetime. my knuckles are as bad as i can afford to let them be.
i can't think. will update more later. or tomorrow as the case may be. really though, since this morning things have been alright. i ate lunch at fatburger. perhaps one day i will be the kind of grifter that has pull, clout, a reputation to be secretly admired. but for now.. i'm just playing keep away with my shadow on the wall.
[SIDENOTE UPDATE: i am PMS-ing. not that that's supposed to be an excuse for blowing things out of proportion, because lets face it i do that anyway, but seriously i am --as we can all tend to be during our lady's time-- terrifically emotional.]
17:44 - Monday, May. 24, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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