tonight [juhr] came over and we ate. she brought me food and we ate and we talked and we worked on her newest/latest song and we looked at pictures (mostly theron's travel blog pics) online because i'm now back online! woohoo! of course i still don't know what the hell the problem was and i'm still planning on calling up to find out and perhaps to return this crappy toshiba modem.
*pause* the train goes through the city and in hearing it i can't help it... there it is, blaring through town. travel..
ok back to the station. here i am.
i had a lot to eat today. i did not have to fast even though the actual eating experiences came towards the bottom end of the day.
the dilemma with writing and workshopping and selling out and schmoozing goes on. today i was a little late to sam's class..er.. i mean doctor goldstein's travel writing workshop. i was late because i was actually printing. and then i find, when i arrive, that half the class is in fact downstairs at the lit. department's student reading/award event. i wonder who won. see, the good doctor gave us the option, those of us who came to the class, of going downstairs to support and/or learn from our peers or staying in class and working on reading and critiquing the handful of those who wrote. bleh. niether option was at all attractive.
i turned in my paper, exchanged with a classmate for critiquing and implied (not said) i was going to the thing downstairs. in the end i did niether. i mean what i mean is that i was having a kind of a crisis in my pants (read: lady's time) and i was uncomfortable with striding into the event well over a half hour into the thing. its a pet peeve of mine, i hate being a late person.. walking in late.. missing out. but this kind of thing has happened lately. it would be different if i were actually putting forth some quality work. ok blah blah blah
here's the thing. if i were (physically) caught in the lie.. what, the lie of omitted implication? then my reasoning was going to be one of two things:
a] i'm having an uncomfortable/unreasonable woman's crisis and/or
b] i'm not workshopping or celebrating in the lauding of my peers but i am/have intentions to actually just get my hands into the thing.
because the truth is that i don't trust these mediocre strangers to read/critique my work. my thoughts. i trust my friends and my already established and long-standing literary community. i've always had them.. we've always had each other. i not only enjoy reading their work but feel at ease in speaking freely with them. and they know, i think, that i require the same of them. hence, community of writers.. one that i don't have to go out and develop. i've got them. there they are.. all done with ucsd and undergraduatedness. yes, i envy them deeply but i also admire and trust them to call me on my weaknesses and encourage my strengths.
so.. anyway, if caught or if asked to explain myself i would say all of that --though not word for word, mind you, and i would reason that i was doing (or on the way to doing) the thing i know would improve my work. if i were the doctor and i knew about the whole thing and could relate (which of course i'm hoping she can and will without having to get into too much discussion at office hours) then its all really very ok.
so.. that was that. now onto something else
i hate my hair. i don't know how to style it. it hates me or that i give it to much freedom. my head still hurts and i'm starting to think that its either that i didn't have enough water (e.g. i'm dehydrated) or i'm just sleep deprived and without a steady enough routine. WTF?!
ok. my eyelids are literally evacuating the sensation of awake. i've got to go..
next issue will be about change and some pro-active living action (making decisions and sticking to them)
01:49 - Wednesday, May. 26, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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