ladies and gents, i am a bore.
i've been feeling, lately, that i am really very old, useless and a bore. i have none of the witty come-backs that others have. this is not to say, however, that i never thought i had anything.. any vitality to begin with. because, honestly, i think i started out in this world on the right foot. i do think i was headed somewhere.. but at some point i just turned into a boring, predictable, unexciting ..doorstop.
you know when you have a feeling and you just have it. and it stays with you and that's it, that's all she wrote..? that's the feeling.
ain't nuthin anyone can do.. i'm just afflicted. afflicted with ineptitude and ineffectual, uninspired.. blank blank blank. i am so like a blank. worse than a blank. i am the blank behind the blank.
tomorrow (or in a few hours i should say) del mar fair with [r]. will i be able to do it? spoke to [jnn] briefly. didn't feel like i was being a good person somehow. not hanging out. i could feel her exasperation with me when mention of a [z to the second power] hangout was tossed into our informal briefing.
i don't know. maybe that was just because i was teasing her about not being available to play the host for a certain someone during the weekend.
maybe she was exasperated with me about something else. i don't know. i hate over-thinking things. mainly because i know it could be either one of two things. a) i'm really worried about what she thinks which compels me to analyze and over-analyze to come up with some kind of answer. some kind of tangible something.. or.. b) i'm tired of over-thinking, saying fuckit, oh well when i should be really really hyper-conscious about what goes on.....
my hands are dry
tonight just the old foursome at the coffeeshop. it was quite nice. strange at times.. new developments here and there and there. called [oscrr] before meeting up just because y'know.. we, as in people in general, shouldn't just say we're friends with people without having a kind of one-on-one face time situation..
that reminds me of something [osccr] said one night. really cheesy actually. he was talking about that he either read in a book or saw in a movie about a pair of friends who stayed up all night one night telling each other the truth about everything that the other had said or done or thought. i wish i could remember the movie...or book. he sort of made the suggestion that we (at the time it was [t] and i) do the same sometime. that it would be great fun and meaningful too.
it wouldn't hurt to try it someday.. but, of course, with the right person anything can be great fun.
my hands are still dry.
i've set the alarm for a quarter 'til eight. this is insane.
i'm going to work out more. i'm going to lose weight. i'm going to change my life. i'm going to sleep.
because i'm boring!!!!
side slash after-note: what happened to the daring, exciting me. what happened to.. "you sleep when you die.." because although that's true in the most basic sense of the word.. its not something that applies in every situation. i mean.. say you're a surgeon in a hospital's e.r., y'know? none of them are sleepin! but none of them are necessarily alive either..
next issue: "When will the dam break?!" a mini-essay/rant about love in a time of ...dispeptic stomach problems?
gosh i'm sleepy weak. i just now thought, "i like the word dispeptic," that'll be word number three on my long list of favorite words.
1.) pocket
2. chronicle(s)
3. dispeptic
word i hate?= bore.
02:16 - Saturday, Jun. 12, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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