today was to be the first day of ..THE REST OF MY L I F E...!!
or y'know the first day of being strong and fit. i'm going to be signing up to take the class with [t] and [alxs] at swc. i'm really excited about getting back to that state of mind. that kind of focus. different from writing but connected, somehow. specific and reliable. so [t] showed me the ropes a bit. i asked a lot of questions that i don't even think i listened for the answers. i remember that she mentioned something about lifting the most that i could and twelve reps and something about the circuit and twenty minutes "spinning". its what i need right now, to focus on the specificity of a thing.
i told her that i wanted to go at something like eight thirty in the morning. i tried to negotiate getting there when the doors open (at six in the am) but she looked at me like i had my head on backwards. she looked at me like my eyeballs just rolled out of their sockets. so, in the end, she came up with the time. it works out well. i like waking up early and having the rest of the day laid out before me.. like one enormous sheet of possibility. its terrifying and great and it makes me love life... until someone stupid comes along and forces me to remember that i am not, in fact, an island in the middle of nowhere and nothing. until i'm reminded that i too must wait in line.. for my turn at the next exciting thing.
in other news: i really wish i were working this summer. not because i'm some sick work freak but because i could use the money. because california is high maintenance and i am.. of the average and below category when it comes to personality and character and sense of self and accomplishment.
speaking of ratings and other numbers that define our living lives.. i checked my blood pressure in the middle of the night last night. went to the 24hour pharmacy area of the savon by my house. don't know how accurate it was or even if i was really doing it right.. it felt like it but i can't really be certain. so at any rate, at the end of two tries it came out this way: i'm normal. well.. normal in the sense that i didn't really hit the range for worry. even though i could (and should) really do better than 117 or 118 over 68 or 70. my heart rate, then, jumped from 57 to 60something because i was startled by a slamming door. stoopid swinging pharmacist door.
i'm really way too jumpy for my own good. i don't even drink coffee or soda as regularly as i used. what is this?
i'd really like a lorna doon shorbread cookie right about now. but straw'brees will do--
thoughts in passing: diaryland won't let me post but livejournal has and will continue to. should i invest in yet another blogger? no. that would be excessive and embarrassing. i wonder if i should sometime have champaigne and straw'brees (this last phonetically spelled contracted bit is supposed to be read/spoken in an affected british accent, yo).. y'know? strow'breeze, rawz'breeze.
summer. i have a love hate attachment to the season. i love it for every reason that everyone loves it. its a chance to breath. its a chance to spend days like this one (gorgeous and sun drenched) out in the winding world. summer is a different kind of possibility that spring is. summer heat leaves you drunk and honest with its warm perfume tan. everything is sticky. summer makes me think of tennis because thats when i learned how to play. summer makes me think of melting and being some kind of inexplicable ok. summer makes me think of stretching out, of going on forever.. of burning up to a plateau.
i shall now raise my glass to the following things that come sprouting up from somewhere in my psyche. and don't you wish we could pronounce that word that way it looks.. just because its fun.
here's to the hot bright days pressing in on daydreams and cool hallway walls. here's to bare feet, naked shoulders, and promises like sand beside salt-watery edges of foam and light. here's to the scent of fresh cut grass, to soft dark earth, to cold imported beer in long glasses, to free food; here's to fire-light and the comfort of arms, long-awaited arms that hold and cradle, support and gather up; here's to sweat; here's to water; here's to a clear view to the heavens, the universe, our favorite constellations and nights so dark you feel yourself heaving a sigh of relief; here's to sensation; here's to bare skin, nerve-endings and moisture; here's to positive and negative space, to cross-hatching and illusion; here's to silver and strange dreams; here's to the fluttering feeling of every unseen inside, here's to trembling and fascination; here's to good moods and long nights, to comfort and relief wherever we find it; here's to songs played in minor keys, here's to secret drumming, here's to hope in swaying and connection in honesty, here's to the genuine hug, the unexpected compliment and a constant healing touch......
here's to you where you are. here's to it.. and often--
music: magnetic fields, i don't believe you
18:04 - Monday, Jun. 14, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
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newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
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