i am a not-quite A student through and through.
today, in the mail, i received both my final projects complete with grade and comments. i am a not-quite A-grade. i am mediocre but they feel sorry for me so they give me the highest grade they can, in good conscience, give for the awful, misshapen pieces i've turned in.
i'm not getting anywhere. i'm not going to be a writer and anyway did i ever really want to be? what and why am i doing this? jumping hoops through these tricks i land on my neck. that's all.
it would be nice if i could do something well. something that a person can hold in his hands or take in through her eyes. something that means something. it would not be any kind of living, i'll grant you that much.. but it would be something else.
anything would be better than this.
and these, to my mind, are the problems (from a to z):
a.) i am too vague, too abstract, too difficult to read
b.) i have few connections, i forget to restate for the reader, remind, plant clues; by extension, then, i have no consideration for my audience because i fail to tie up loose ends and answer the kind of questions i should already be anticipating my readers will have.
c.) i'm not saying anything.
d.) i have an unstructured structure.
e.) i am lazy and procrastinate and it shows through the shoddy workmanship; i do not take my fiction seriously and it shows
f.) i am talentless; i have no gift for sound or words or creating things.. description, specifics, the concrete real
g.) i am poor where it matters most, in my mind.
h.) i am burnt out and careless; i am broken and without hope.. usually.
i.) i am self-centered and it surfaces in the work
j.) i can never get it right. try as i might the truth of a thing, with its pulp and its juice and its vitality, is nowhere in my work.. its nowhere in my words
k.) i'm self indulgent
l.) i'm the picture of mediocrity
m.) defeat defeat defeat defeat
n.) i'm over emotional, over sensitive, my ego looms over me.. orwellian and sputtering
o.) I'M EMPTY!!!!
p.) i'm boring
q.) p to the millionth power
r.) i'm dumb
s.) i'm lusty and want too much, therefore, success and approval escapes me
t.) where, once, words were all i had to give.. i am now void of all those necessary things.
u.) i am cold-hearted and detached
v.) i have nothing to offer.
w.) i'm old and useless
x.) i'm fat
y.) i
z.) i am unkind and disturbed and there is nothing for me in the world of letters and art.
..i'm going to get the laundry now, put on my face and pretend..
07:30 - Wednesday, Jun. 16, 2004
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