i can't figure out why today, for me, has been a complete wash. it could be the lack of a true routine, and by extension the lack of true discipline; the lack of a summertime paycheck; the slackening of motivation, forward progress..
i've been thinking about giving myself assignments. assignments that i can actually stick to. even though i'm not taking the language course that i need there really isn't anything stopping me from being self-sufficient enough to pick up the dang text and get my brain jogging again.
i'm such an idiot. i mean, of course! why didn't i have this talk with myself earlier!! now i've wasted precious time...
well alright. so now i've got some partial goal at hand, good. i start tomorrow. i'll just carry the book along with me, some paper and pens. the point is to use everything so that nothing goes wasted.
in the meantime, i'll backtrack a bit. i saw Fahrenheit 9/11 at the amc over on Palm this afternoon with John and Sal. it was quite the full house, let me tell you. good grief.
i'll be honest with you, i was nervous about seeing this film. first off, i didn't/don't think i know enough, just on my own. i'm not informed enough and therefore i assume that it won't be the kind of documentary for me. niether am i an activist of any kind. in fact, by my actions and choices as a general rule, i'm rather more closely related to ..and i'm gritting my teeth to say it.. the conservative side of life. and by conservative i don't necessarily mean that i vote conservative or that i even necessarily affiliate with conservatives.. or even that i vote! no wait. i do vote.. i vote my conscience.. most of the time... but i'm getting off topic and using too many elipses, which is an indication that even my thoughts are stuttering. so i'll start again.
the nerves that were jangled at the prospect of seeing the controversial Moore film were brought about because of a self-conscious feeling --and rightly so.
that is to say that i know what i am: uninformed, of average or below intelligence, uninterested, fickle, paranoid, and worst (or best) of all.. i'm lazy. in other words, i'm an american.
so i'm driving along thinking about how over-my-head this is going to be and how depressed i'm going to find myself when i learn all i have to learn from Moore's film. of course i push on, though. i'm not going to stand my friend up. so i go on about my business. there's a wal-mart near the theater and i convince myself that i'll relax into the purposeful outing if i buy something that i need. i need workout clothing. i need to be properly dressed to sweat. thankfully, the store's prices are reasonable enough... considering most of the stuff was probably hecho en mexico or india or someplace where bigger isn't better, its just bigger.
but i'm losing track of myself now. where was i? oh yes, nerves. so the nerves have to some degree been abated. the hour of two is nigh.. secret bells toll mournfully. i push myself invisibly. everything is slow and i feel like i'm underwater.
then i see john in line and i'm back where i am. everything around me catches up with itself. i look as if i've been moping for centuries.. i feel as though i won't stop. so tickets are bought and as there are three of us now, we file into theater 20. the place is nearly full but there are still two rows at the top. i want to hide because i'm not good enough to watch this happen.
fifteen minutes after the time stamped on the ticket people are still settling in. the standard commercials go up, then the trailers. then it starts. up from black, a tone of delighted dreamland comes across in Moore's voice over as slow motion footage of Al and Tipper Gore raise their hands to excited Floridians. and i think to myself, this is going to be great! i can feel it.
and it was. it left quite an impression that stayed with me hours afterward. of course i was still self conscious.. especially around the trickier parts where my brain struggled to keep track of who knew what when with whom... but i caught on well enough.
at the same time. i can see why some people are afraid. i can see why some people become offended. because at the heart of it you have one man saying, "the man you trusted, lied to you. He used your allegiance to the nation against you"
i can understand why it is so difficult for some. why its difficult for the men in my life, whom i love, who believe in the idea behind it.. the purpose in fighting to defend something bigger than themselves. the fighting men and women and their families who feel that they cannot and should not be moved by anything other than duty. the ones who are, in fact, trained not to question or defy.
so its difficult, based on interpretation, to reconcile such things as truth, necessity, and that which is just. because the individual stories behind each abstraction overlap on each other, retreating and rushing in uneven waves of grief. and in all that, war is still good for business. miserable as it is for life and humanity, its a lucrative event for the rich old men who talk without flinching; men who talk while they send out the poor man's child, the other man's child into the fray.
its very easy to get lost in it.
on a smaller scale: its also very easy to think its ok to jokingly suggest one thing and then to have that be taken the wrong way. and this whole thing naturally takes me back again because its something that stays lodged in the back of my mind.. because on the one hand its easy for someone like [r] to be offended by light remarks made in jest. the logic being that i can make fun of it because i'm acquainted with it.. i'm in it. You're not, so you can't. So, there's that to deal with. The other thing is that someone like [r] should not then hold on to that as some sort of permanent source of discomfort or irritation. then it goes beyond keeping a grudge.
it may or may not sound like i'm being cryptic but its really all because there are things that i, myself, cannot let go of. naturally, i'm working toward letting go.. but not everyone is able to do that.
the only remedy for my small-time woes? opening a dialogue. difficult and new-age as it sounds.. there it is.
as far as Moore's Fahrenheit, i thought it was an excellently skilled criticism of the nation's current war-mongering administration. ....but it doesn't change the fate of the poor, young men and women who are giving their lives over for--? something that is no longer what it ought to be.. something other than what it should be. something wretched, sinister and ignoble.
(it was difficult for me to write that last line. i want to cross it out because i don't want it to be read the wrong way. because in truth, the idea of greatness and the concept of nation is something i must tell myself to leave out of this. because however noble and worthwhile the idea may once have been.. we are living in different times now, far removed from the ideal and what could have been.)
23:20 - Friday, Jun. 25, 2004
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