is this a blue period? am i simply being over-indulgent? i'd like to think that this thing isn't something small that i've got perpetually lodged at the end of a very thick and unforgiving lens. i'd like to think this thing is bigger than me and therefore out of my hands, entirely.
this is the second day of it.. this funk like sedament has settled at the bottom of my everyday living, breathing me in and out like debris. i, me, debris.
it isn't [r] or the distance. it isn't what it should be. its just this way, i am adrift, that is all.
yesterday i was reading a lot of poe and snippets of other romantics poetry with themes of melancholy, lost love, death, doom. i was talking with [t] and she couldn't figure it out. so instead of trying to "lick" me she opted to "join" me by reading some equally heavy lines. she started reading through some of our saved messenger conversations then some older pieces of scrambled imagery and surreality from me.. me then; me when we "fought" over the same boy. it stopped me because i didn't remember writing one or two of the longer pieces. i was very.. not easy to understand.
in a few minutes i plan to meet up with [janwar] and [ana], [jhn] besides. later on in the night i'm supposed to be at the haus to meet with [d]. he said, "we'll hang out and i'll cheer you up. and that's when you know its really bad when i'm cheering you up." we laughed over that one, albeit a weak sort of laughter --being that we're both prone to these 'bouts (sp?) with blue so blue it becomes dark enough to drown in.
[jnn] in "shy" town. she has these blue periods too, i'm told. spoke with her today, in between her attempt not to starve and her next day's event. i think she was headed out to see a movie.
she called me because she was caught in the rain walking from the store a few blocks down. i love her dearly dearly dearly and she was about the only other person i could bear to speak to. and it was fitting for her to call and fitting for it to be raining and thundering when she did. and, you know, she stood there and i paced here and believed (or wanted to) in the fullness of her voice over the line. when she spoke i thought of her penmanship and her soaking clothes. i thought of the room she has, what it must look and smell like. i closed my eyes briefly and i was away from over-hearing my dad in the next room. i could shut my eyes and pretend i couldn't hear him speaking to a tagalog relative about how i have a boyfriend and that he only wished i would get "serious" so he could retire into the safety of knowing he didn't have to "take care" of me anymore.
and i'm thinking, [r] doesn't even want to meet anyone else connected and attached to me and i'm thinking that he doesn't want to know me, not really. and that's fine, right? i should just make it easy for people because if they knew how hard it was they wouldn't bother.. right? and i shouldn't bring up how hurt this makes me because that's not what we're together for. we're, essentially, each others transitional person and that's all. and i'm thinking.. should i just break up with him before he has to be deployed for six months? should i just tell him that we had ourselves a good run and that we should just let things end? shouldn't he be with someone in the navy that understands what its all about? someone who can comfort him without him having to explain so much? because.. in the end.. who has the energy or the will or the desire to have to explain themselves to someone who is supposed to understand and nothing else..?
was this whole thing a mistake and should i just cut my losses while convincing him (and that shouldn't be hard) that he should do the same? we're just too different and that's the truth and that's the heart of it. i was never stable enough to start this thing seriously. we should just have remained bedtime friends and nothing more.
people are creatures of comfort, territory, routine.. things were better when i wasn't so much a person as i was invisible.
i am sick at heart with nothing and no one to hold on to..
15:29 - Saturday, Jul. 03, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
lv2write00
squirrelx
cdghost
smoog
muppetathena
crystal42
thatdame
iwillsurvive
monstre
ouvrelesyeux
poolagirl
lintpickle
i-am-jack
anniewaits18
alicewonders
sunnflower
crateobscure