so what was i thinking being stung? maybe it was the sun and its jagged rays.
certainly i'm going to continue to be plagued by the nagging doubts, that's just a given. so to combat all that i must go back into the actual, back into memory.
tonight, on the way home from dropping [t] i don't know what it could've been that brought me back. i don't know if it was the music playing in white noise over the radio or a scent that was enfolded and time-released. out of nowhere i remembered, or my body did. the hug from the night before his departure. he held me close to himself, so close.. so close that i could feel his heartbeat; that i could feel what was inside. so close that i fit or that he fit me. and we stood there very still. and he wasn't pressing himeslf to me in a show of force or strain or joking. it was earnest, if an embrace can in fact be earnest. it was, i believe, a grateful clutching. there were small muscles underneath the larger ones somewhere in his chest or on his shoulders that released. and it was in that holding up and letting go that i felt love.. more abundant than i could keep in my arms. i was so taken away. he loved me and thanked me and savored me and that was all i needed. i was surprised and reeling that the words i'd planned didn't seem enough anymore. not in the face of that.
he lingered in the car after walking me to it. he touched my knee, softly, slowly.. his eyes held something i wasn't prepared to see. and i was grateful.. and i was overcome.. and i thought, this is it. this is how it happens.
when i start to sabotage my situation or deny it or when i imagine myself anticipating sorrow.. i have to go back to that. otherwise this will go nowhere and i will continue to have nothing. if i don't force myself to remember what is good about this i'll never get better.
the time will come when i can let myself surrender, only then can i be healed.
00:23 - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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