you should know, this entry update that follows is not at all going to be interesting. these days i can't bear to write anything about the really real traumas n' troubles. or even what's really on my mind. i don't have it in me to really do it, i feel. everytime i start or try to do anything about the battery-acid thoughts or concerns that eat away at my sensitivity.... i get all tense and i have to leave the room. i have to leave myself.
so then i start thinking, "duh. write away from it and you'll get the results you want." right? like archery; or for some men, like a drunken how-far-can-you-piss contest: arch it. aim high. or something.
the point is that i realized how much more effective i would be (in general) if i only kept my point within that seductively invisibly gauzy "in-between" the lines kind of thing.
then again, i may just be all kinds of wrong on that one.
so here i am, again and concerned.
i don't seem to be losing much weight but gaining muscle and definition at an incredibly slow ...rate? its all so very slow to happen because i'm very stubborn about cutting out the sugars in my diet, i feel. and my hair is at this weird length that i both tolerate and despise. its only just past my shoulders and i need it to be longer. i need my hair to be the picture of decisiveness because i, myself, am not a very decisive person.
the situation with [r] is as follows:
i am with someone who is not presently located here.. on land. within a one thousand mile radius.. approximately. so, if you think about it, as i have done --incessantly and in a bothersome way-- i am back to being the person i was when i was single. unencumbered, free, unattached, once again wearing a protective sheath of solemn onlyness and solitude. singular. but not, of course, in the sense that i'm free to date or cuddle or have a snog with someone who is currently, presently located within reach. because although there are certain people in the world who can agree to an open kind of relationship, i cannot. its not for everyone, everytime. because, really, who's to say that if i weren't with [r] that i wouldn't be the sort to mix and mingle. and who's to say that if [r] weren't a little more of something he isn't.. who's to say that i wouldn't jump at the chance to be... a multiple.
but aside from that, i've been thinking about jealousy a lot lately. i've been thinking of why for some people that is the worst thing to become and for others its merely a given. i've been thinking about multiple ways of being or feeling connected. i've been thinking about how much of my life has been about keeping other women away from-- the men in my life. about how much of an issue infidelity or even pre-infidelity really is for me.. and then again, i thought about how much of an enabler i am. how i will make things possible for people its as if all anyone has to do is ask, and they'll receive.
i think it was something about the way [d] asked about [juhr] when we (my four gentlemen and i) when out for dinner this past sunday night. it was something in his voice that i couldn't take.
and its in this growing older, growing tired sort of place that makes me weak and angry. as though i can no longer keep things as hidden as they once were. as they should always be.. because its not my place to say anything.
i'd better have something to eat now.. otherwise i'll never have enough energy to get through this
13:19 - Friday, Jul. 16, 2004
Recent entries:
oday.html">the 3 month countdown begins - 05 May 2018
anothrburst.html">another burst - this used to be my playground
newlife.html">begin at the beginning. - 10 April 2008
moody.html">a blanket for a bad mood under the sun. - 25 March 2007
emilludwig.html">...kissing a fool... - 05 December 2006
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